06-25-2016, 12:50 PM
Hey Lizzie,
this piece doesnt quite work for me. The message is cliche, the execution is fine but in certain spots I'm left wondering things, primarily the narrators age, or even if the narrators age is meant to be important at all. For example, there is the 'me and my brother' that obviously ignores that grammatical rule of 'so-and-so and I,' yet the narrator also knows words like brazen and heralding and granary etc. It just doesnt feel like an accurate portrayal of a common situation. Also, its a Christmas poem in June
naw im just kidding on that last bit, but honestly this might feel a bit more heartfelt if the vocabulary was simplified, almost like this was being told from the perception of a child. That or maybe provide a glimpse into what this very common situation creates for a child, but focusing on that shock value in the last line just isnt enough for me personally. Thanks for sharing,
mike
this piece doesnt quite work for me. The message is cliche, the execution is fine but in certain spots I'm left wondering things, primarily the narrators age, or even if the narrators age is meant to be important at all. For example, there is the 'me and my brother' that obviously ignores that grammatical rule of 'so-and-so and I,' yet the narrator also knows words like brazen and heralding and granary etc. It just doesnt feel like an accurate portrayal of a common situation. Also, its a Christmas poem in June
naw im just kidding on that last bit, but honestly this might feel a bit more heartfelt if the vocabulary was simplified, almost like this was being told from the perception of a child. That or maybe provide a glimpse into what this very common situation creates for a child, but focusing on that shock value in the last line just isnt enough for me personally. Thanks for sharing,mike
Crit away