06-21-2016, 12:40 AM
Edit 1.000000
I painted out the sunshine with a brush of broom and briar
but birds still sang above the sage marquee. I'm a bit confused by setting here. the lines in and of themselves have interesting imagery, but combining them may need work. is the marquee in the painting or above the painter? why mix paint and play imagery?
I tried to listen downwards where the silence used to be, again, setting a bit confused. where is downwards? why was there silence before the painting and why do birds sing after painting out the sun. should the images be reversed? birds>paint>silence?
in places where her footfall hushed, I lay. again, interesting word choice, but the agency of footfall to the verb hushed?
The scents of life still sifted up through root and loam below; all verbs are in past tense, which is usually a good strategy, but the events of this line are lost to the timeline of the speaker's experience.
like dampness dream-breaks,why? You never know.
I heard a pulsiong heart I thought was mine, but seemed too grand; this line works
much louder than my senses could explain. I like this one too
Blood rustled in my ears like beating drums made out of hay; interesting image, but contradicting the intensity of sound in the previous lines?
while music played a bitter symphony.
No sweet guitars, no violins, no angels singing in the wings,
no song from you, no perfumed hair, no brushing touch,
no warm, moist kiss…I painted out the sunshine yesterday. it makes sense to drain sensory experience as a consequence of painting out the sun, but does this contradict the singing birds?
thanks for sharing
I painted out the sunshine with a brush of broom and briar
but birds still sang above the sage marquee. I'm a bit confused by setting here. the lines in and of themselves have interesting imagery, but combining them may need work. is the marquee in the painting or above the painter? why mix paint and play imagery?
I tried to listen downwards where the silence used to be, again, setting a bit confused. where is downwards? why was there silence before the painting and why do birds sing after painting out the sun. should the images be reversed? birds>paint>silence?
in places where her footfall hushed, I lay. again, interesting word choice, but the agency of footfall to the verb hushed?
The scents of life still sifted up through root and loam below; all verbs are in past tense, which is usually a good strategy, but the events of this line are lost to the timeline of the speaker's experience.
like dampness dream-breaks,why? You never know.
I heard a pulsiong heart I thought was mine, but seemed too grand; this line works
much louder than my senses could explain. I like this one too
Blood rustled in my ears like beating drums made out of hay; interesting image, but contradicting the intensity of sound in the previous lines?
while music played a bitter symphony.
No sweet guitars, no violins, no angels singing in the wings,
no song from you, no perfumed hair, no brushing touch,
no warm, moist kiss…I painted out the sunshine yesterday. it makes sense to drain sensory experience as a consequence of painting out the sun, but does this contradict the singing birds?
thanks for sharing
Thanks to this Forum
