06-19-2016, 01:26 AM
I painted out the sunshine with a brush of broom and briar *
but birds still sang above the sage marquee.
I tried to listen downwards where the silence used to be,
in places where her footfall hushed, I lay.
The scents of life still sifted up through root and loam below;
like dampness dream-breaks, why? You never know. **
I heard a pulsiong heart I thought was mine, but seemed too grand; ***
much louder than my senses could explain.
Blood rustled in my ears like beating drums made out of hay;
while music played a bitter symphony. ****
No sweet guitars, no violins, no angels singing in the wings,
no song from you, no perfumed hair, no brushing touch,
no warm, moist kiss…I painted out the sunshine yesterday.
*: I am not quite sure about the usage of “brush of broom” unless you are trying to use the imagery to represent cleaning, specifically the concept of removal. I am not certain but I believe this poem is about a break up. So the briar to me may specifically refer to its thorns and the subject’s personal faults which were causation. I could be totally wrong, but it may be bad that it demands so much explanation.
**: I don’t understand this line. My first thought was waking up in sweat, but even that concept seems out of place. I don’t get how it relates to what I perceive to be her lingering scent in the bed fabrics told by the last line. Was the character dreaming that she may still be in bed next to him when he awoke?
***: Minor fix is the typo of pulsing.
****: Is the music the birds? I felt like it was the character waking up and realizing she was not there so the birdsong felt dissonant to the character’s own emotional tone of sorrow and loss.
I think the largest issue is the apparent lack of immediate clarity whether by means of a poorly represented literal take or too vague of metaphors that can cause the reader to lose their understanding of the concept. My own interpretation could be very far off from your intended message. I would recommend playing around with some lines to better illustrate the true meaning and remove some of the questioning left up to the reader.
but birds still sang above the sage marquee.
I tried to listen downwards where the silence used to be,
in places where her footfall hushed, I lay.
The scents of life still sifted up through root and loam below;
like dampness dream-breaks, why? You never know. **
I heard a pulsiong heart I thought was mine, but seemed too grand; ***
much louder than my senses could explain.
Blood rustled in my ears like beating drums made out of hay;
while music played a bitter symphony. ****
No sweet guitars, no violins, no angels singing in the wings,
no song from you, no perfumed hair, no brushing touch,
no warm, moist kiss…I painted out the sunshine yesterday.
*: I am not quite sure about the usage of “brush of broom” unless you are trying to use the imagery to represent cleaning, specifically the concept of removal. I am not certain but I believe this poem is about a break up. So the briar to me may specifically refer to its thorns and the subject’s personal faults which were causation. I could be totally wrong, but it may be bad that it demands so much explanation.
**: I don’t understand this line. My first thought was waking up in sweat, but even that concept seems out of place. I don’t get how it relates to what I perceive to be her lingering scent in the bed fabrics told by the last line. Was the character dreaming that she may still be in bed next to him when he awoke?
***: Minor fix is the typo of pulsing.
****: Is the music the birds? I felt like it was the character waking up and realizing she was not there so the birdsong felt dissonant to the character’s own emotional tone of sorrow and loss.
I think the largest issue is the apparent lack of immediate clarity whether by means of a poorly represented literal take or too vague of metaphors that can cause the reader to lose their understanding of the concept. My own interpretation could be very far off from your intended message. I would recommend playing around with some lines to better illustrate the true meaning and remove some of the questioning left up to the reader.