No Sunshine Edit 1.0000000 Dale

[Achebe]

Hi tectak - not one of my favourites. Had difficulty from the start. .
I had a whole bunch of comments which basically said that the poem was nonsensical. I now see that it may make sense if the narrator is in the act of painting of picture, painting out sun on the canvas with a brush of broom and briar.
That explains the first 2 lines.
The rest of the poem remains irritatingly vague. You couldn't possibly be lying down on the painting, or painting yourself lying down in places where 'her silence hushed'. It requires a giant stretch of the imagination. Basically, after L2 I no longer understand what it is that you the narrator are quite doing, other than making generalised, disconnected observations.

'bitter symphony' is quite terrible.

Edit 1.000000

I painted out the sunshine with a brush of broom and briar 
but birds still sang above the sage marquee.
I tried to listen downwards where the silence used to be,
in places where her footfall hushed, I lay.
The scents of life still sifted up through root and loam below; 
like dampness dream-breaks,why? You never know.
I heard a pulsing heart I thought was mine, but seemed too grand; 
much louder than my senses could explain.
Blood rustled in my ears like beating drums made out of hay;.
while music played a bitter symphony.

No sweet guitars, no violins, no angels singing in the wings,
no song from you, no perfumed hair, no brushing touch, 
no warm, moist kiss…I painted out the sunshine yesterday.

Original

I painted out the sunshine with a brush of broom and briar
but the birds still sang above the sage marquee.
I tried to listen downwards where the silence used to be,
in the places where my footfall stopped, I lay.
The scents of life still sifted up through cloying clay below;
damply, like a dream that wakes but why, you never know.
I heard a pulsing heart that was mine but seemed too grand;
it was loud and sounded closer than my senses could explain.
Blood rustled in my ears and beat drums made out of hay
and this was how the music played, a bitter symphony.
No sweet guitars, no violins, no angels singing in the wings,
no song from you, no perfumed hair, no brushing touch,
no warm, moist kiss…I painted out the sunshine yesterday.

Concert Memories. Van Morrison/Ray Charles
tectak