06-16-2016, 09:40 PM
I feel an echo of American Beauties in this one, particularly in the seasonal relation. S1 is a little wordy, but it sets a tone that makes the wordiness seem to fit, so I forgive that. S2 lacks impact for me, which makes it unjustifiably short -- I fail to see how breath is crushing to the speaker. I'm not sure of the line break in S3. I don't see the reason for it, so at the moment it seems arbitrary. I like the ideas that a stairway brings in S4, but the image feels incomplete in the end. This leaves the ending rather unsatisfying, which might be saying something of its own about the relationship.
If you're the smartest person in the room, you're in the wrong room.
"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona
"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona