Run
#3
(06-13-2016, 03:39 PM)Vanity Wrote:  Run

This can't be about the mice, the prince, the slipper
Because that's not where I am.  (Cinderella reference, understood)
I'm afraid I bought the time share.
I'm outside of it far more than in it-
and my daydreaming mind just wants  
done with it.  (I would try not to use 'it' so much. I understand you're doing it for rhythm, but it sounds cleaner if you remove and reword.)
I was so excited when I got the dress, (Take away 'so' and start the next line with 'ran.' You have a lot of 'I' in this piece and we know it is you speaking so there is no need to be repetitive.)
When I ran my finger over the vellum invitation.
I admit I am old enough to get excited over stationary.
I did what girls are supposed to do.
And now I feel like
I'm patting the walls down a pitch black hall-
a dim light grows brighter as I near it.

My cat sleeps in all the boxes I brought home. (I like these three lines)
He keeps my council, unblinking.
He blots my tears.

I have figured myself about fifteen years too late. (myself out)
I no longer give a fuck about weeding
or tater tot casseroles,
or the cult of Pinterest.
I'm putting down landscape fabric and a ton of rock--
There. Done. I'm leaving my phone.
I don't care who poked me. 
I toss an apple and a shiny water canteen in the car-
I put on my running shoes and run, and run--I feel my heart hammering
  -the sweat is like a baptism- the rush I feel-
I stop in the woods, my hands on my knees, panting.
I'm alone now,
but not lonely like before.

I really enjoyed the last bit. There is an element of humor to it. Smile The running part, was this an actual day in your life? It seems like it.
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Messages In This Thread
Run - by Vanity - 06-13-2016, 03:39 PM
RE: Run - by Achebe - 06-14-2016, 08:04 AM
RE: Run - by Acephale - 06-16-2016, 12:32 AM
RE: Run - by Lizzie - 06-20-2016, 01:53 AM



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