Sex or Music EDIT 1 (now ORGAN SYMPHONY WITH ORCHESTRA)

[Magpie]

Hi Kolemath, this is a good edit that you've done here. Simplifying things a bit was the right way to go and the poem has benefited. I've left some notes below.

EDIT 1

ORGAN SYMPHONY WITH ORCHESTRA  -- Much better title that gives nothing away

Valves inside trumpets,
slides of trombones, -- I like what you've done with these four lines they work better and they suit the title change because on first read of the poem they seem like they are setting the scene for the music to come. Also the metaphor is formed by the reader, if they so choose, as opposed to before where the reader was told straight away. I would prefer to see the first two lines as, 'Trumpet valves, trombone slides' it's less complicated and it works better with the next two lines.
xylophone mallets,
violin bows,
warming the instruments, -- I get why this line is here, but strictly speaking do musicians warm instruments up?
tuning the notes,
playing in key and harmony, -- This line feels as though it has come too early, if you'll pardon the pun. I think it would work better in the next stanza possibly before the 'tempo' line.

the score opens light -- one of either gentle or slow seems redundant as they both seem to serve the same purpose for music and the metaphor.
gentle, slow.
The tempo increases.
The sound crescendos.
The swelling orchestra,
crash of percussion,
strings under bows, -- how about 'beneath' instead of under
baritones blow, -- I like the sounds in these lines here. One possible issue is 'baritones', if it isn't specified which baritone instrument is being referred to, ie baritone saxophone, then surely the word baritone would refer to the male singer who sings in that pitch. I don't know this for sure but it would seem likely, in which case 'baritones blow' could take on a different meaning altogether. Could be worth checking just to make sure.
oboes, piccolos, saxophones,
organ sym        phony -- I'm a bit lost with the gap in this line, I can't work out if it's perhaps a mistake or a device for anticipation or something to enable the reader see the word 'orgasm' with organ and sym. It seems a bit odd to leave the word 'phony' isolated because 'phony climax' would essentially mean 'fake orgasm' which I'm sure is not intended.
climax of movements.
 
The sound finishes together,
conductor collapses,
orchestra gasps, -- I would agree with Vanity about ending it on this line, it's almost too perfect not to.
all in concert, renewed.

It's definitely getting there, I especially think that the simplification at the beginning of the poem is good work that gives the poem an extra dimension by not outlining a metaphor. Good to see poems getting workshopped like this.

Thanks for the read,

Mark