the first taste - edit 2
#8
(05-29-2016, 11:48 AM)kolemath Wrote:  EDIT 1

THE FIRST TASTE

Warm outside below our piece of sky,
12 year-old boys chasing adolescence
on mountain bikes skimming neighborhood pavement
with beer from Dad’s garage stolen on the sly.
not bad as an introduction, mostly scene setting which is expected.  I think with boys chasing adolescence, you may not need the 12 year-old. 
"on the sly" is just filler, but with the rhyme it feels both forced and awkward.
is "neighborhood" pulling its weight?

Quote:From pavement to trails, we hid in the woods,
sat below the pines, checked the path behind us.
Convinced by silence we weren’t followed,
I unzipped my backpack and unveiled the warm drinks.

"From pavement" is unnecessary with your statement of pavement above and sets up a strange structural logic with "we hid in the woods"
"unveiled the warm drinks" is a little awkward.

Quote:We cracked the cans which exploded
bike-ride-shaken-pressurized-fizz-shower,
and choked down the foamy rest, pretending drunkenness,
tripping steps, swerving bikes, slurring words.

And as a man without the courage to pretend
I serve these roads still looking for an end.

"foamy rest" is strange.
I don't quite get "serve"

I think your edit is on the right path.  Maybe some word choice work ahead of you.  Also, it seems you can't decide if you want meter or not.  Probably best to make that choice at some point.

Thanks for posting.
Hope this helps.
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Messages In This Thread
the first taste - edit 2 - by kolemath - 05-29-2016, 11:48 AM
RE: the first taste - by Caleb Murdock - 05-29-2016, 03:00 PM
RE: the first taste - by justcloudy - 05-30-2016, 12:24 AM
RE: the first taste - by Caleb Murdock - 05-30-2016, 02:52 PM
RE: the first taste - by Lizzie - 05-31-2016, 02:50 AM
RE: the first taste - by kolemath - 06-03-2016, 04:44 AM
RE: the first taste - by kolemath - 06-12-2016, 11:39 AM
RE: the first taste - by milo - 06-12-2016, 12:56 PM
RE: the first taste - by kolemath - 06-14-2016, 09:22 AM
RE: the first taste - edit 2 - by justcloudy - 06-15-2016, 06:33 AM



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