06-08-2016, 11:35 AM
Feel free to dispose of what I'm saying as I only took one course in poetry and I'm by no means an official to recite this. But I think your structure is very poor. For example you have sentences that continue through lines, which is alright but you have done it crudely. There is little train of thought connecting the actions as this person wades through traffic. Moreover there is little use of clever word-play or organization to make this traffic feel any more unique from anyone else's daily commute. This is coming from a person who runs every time he crosses the street.