06-08-2016, 05:23 AM
Hi Kolemath, I like the overall metaphor as the two constructs easily blend together. I'm not sure if the repetition of "if" is strengthening the poem at all -- is it important to you, or could you just make statements i.e. "you are/ I am"? Also, your final lines are unclear. It could be read as "and the orchestra gasps for... all in the hall, renewed", which I'm sure you don't really intend, so I'd suggest removing at least one "and", getting rid of that comma and making it clear that "all in the hall are renewed".
The title is a dead giveaway and informs the way the poem is read without allowing the conceit to shine through. We're forewarned, so to speak. I think it's important to reconsider the title.
Overall, much to like here and much to work with.
The title is a dead giveaway and informs the way the poem is read without allowing the conceit to shine through. We're forewarned, so to speak. I think it's important to reconsider the title.
Overall, much to like here and much to work with.
It could be worse