06-03-2016, 04:47 AM
We just say "run a red" here, so "run through a red" sounds a bit weird but that's not a problem, obviously. "turning" sounds a bit harsh and mundane in L6 but leaving it out would be no good because you do need a modifier and also, you'd end up with obvious alliteration so I see why you've put it in... I just wonder if there's not a better way to say it? It's very early though, and my brain hasn't yet fired up (I always worry at this time of the morning that it may never fire again).
Your closing simile is weak for two reasons: one, it's a cliche and two, you are singular, bugs are plural, the comparison is already flawed. To that end, the poem feels incomplete as I am not convinced the purpose for its writing is enough for a vignette. I would like to see more sensory activity here, more local information, because at the moment it pretty much sounds like it could be any street in a tropical region (even Cairns has mopeds now, they're very cosmopolitan...)
There is room to develop this into a "5 senses" type poem but right now, it's not capturing the imagination like it could.
Your closing simile is weak for two reasons: one, it's a cliche and two, you are singular, bugs are plural, the comparison is already flawed. To that end, the poem feels incomplete as I am not convinced the purpose for its writing is enough for a vignette. I would like to see more sensory activity here, more local information, because at the moment it pretty much sounds like it could be any street in a tropical region (even Cairns has mopeds now, they're very cosmopolitan...)
There is room to develop this into a "5 senses" type poem but right now, it's not capturing the imagination like it could.
It could be worse