Justice is an Egg [Edit]

[dukealien]

Thanks for this fine critique.  In part, for explaining what's working, but mainly for pointing out the main issue (inaccessibility, that is, the audience may get the images but not what they refer to).  My first clue should have been that I felt it necessary to include a masked footnote   .

Wonder what would happen if I removed everything that isn't working and started over?  Or quoted the riddle, "Which came first, the chicken or the egg?" at the top?  Or added to the title, e.g. "Justice is an Egg:  Law Enforcement Riddle."

I'll mull this one over - maybe hatch a revision that doesn't lay an egg   .  In the meantime, other suggestions are welcome.  (Any LEOs out there who did or did not geddit?)

So Duke, first off I love the audacity of your refrain (refrain?) "justice is an egg." It's such a strange phrase. You swing for the fences with this and that I can appreciate. As to whether it works... it holds your piece together and in that regard is successful. On to it:

S1:

white outrage, red revenge,
black vendetta when avengers meet
heeled, spurred, bloody-eyed

This I dig. Your use of multiple colors creates a cool effect. Your artistry here is well executed. I find the rest of this stanza elusive.

S2: This stanza baffles me. The fault may be mine.

S3:

Justice is an egg, infertile if
its hen does not conceive
or if its rooster’s outrage fails,

This makes sense to me. I particularly like "outrage fails." The rest of this stanza confuses .

S4: The strongest stanza, I think. I reads clearly - well paced, your artistry doesn't come at the expense of clarity. Well done.

As I suggested above, I think your biggest problem is that your art has come at the expense of being accessible. I would suggest you work on reading your work as others do - removing your intent from your conception of the piece. I found and continue to find that difficult. Very much looking forward to more of yours.

- Matt