06-02-2016, 08:52 AM
So Duke, first off I love the audacity of your refrain (refrain?) "justice is an egg." It's such a strange phrase. You swing for the fences with this and that I can appreciate. As to whether it works... it holds your piece together and in that regard is successful. On to it:
S1:
white outrage, red revenge,
black vendetta when avengers meet
heeled, spurred, bloody-eyed
This I dig. Your use of multiple colors creates a cool effect. Your artistry here is well executed. I find the rest of this stanza elusive.
S2: This stanza baffles me. The fault may be mine.
S3:
Justice is an egg, infertile if
its hen does not conceive
or if its rooster’s outrage fails,
This makes sense to me. I particularly like "outrage fails." The rest of this stanza confuses .
S4: The strongest stanza, I think. I reads clearly - well paced, your artistry doesn't come at the expense of clarity. Well done.
As I suggested above, I think your biggest problem is that your art has come at the expense of being accessible. I would suggest you work on reading your work as others do - removing your intent from your conception of the piece. I found and continue to find that difficult. Very much looking forward to more of yours.
- Matt
S1:
white outrage, red revenge,
black vendetta when avengers meet
heeled, spurred, bloody-eyed
This I dig. Your use of multiple colors creates a cool effect. Your artistry here is well executed. I find the rest of this stanza elusive.
S2: This stanza baffles me. The fault may be mine.
S3:
Justice is an egg, infertile if
its hen does not conceive
or if its rooster’s outrage fails,
This makes sense to me. I particularly like "outrage fails." The rest of this stanza confuses .
S4: The strongest stanza, I think. I reads clearly - well paced, your artistry doesn't come at the expense of clarity. Well done.
As I suggested above, I think your biggest problem is that your art has come at the expense of being accessible. I would suggest you work on reading your work as others do - removing your intent from your conception of the piece. I found and continue to find that difficult. Very much looking forward to more of yours.
- Matt
