the first taste - edit 2

[Caleb Murdock]

Kole,

The meter/rhyme is taking over this piece-- the story shouldn't be secondary, but is. You have lots of nice little bits in here that would shine if given the chance.  As an exercise, take this poem and totally rewrite it without meter and rhyme. See what you get. Maybe you'll like that version better. Maybe it can direct you to revise this one so it sounds more natural. Either way you win.

-jc

Interesting.  I originally said the same thing:  Rewrite the poem in rhythmic prose and then hammer it into shape.  But I was worried that I was being too forward by suggesting a wholesale rewrite, so I deleted that comment from my critique.  You said it very well:  The meter/rhyme are overwhelming the message, which is really quite lovely.