05-28-2016, 03:46 AM
Your poem caught my attention right away. That's good! I would have read it regardless of the title or the subject because the form was unique and said, "Hey there! I'm new! I'm novel! Check me out!" It's a good way to get your work noticed.
I like poems that deal with our 21st century reality and your subjects feel fresh. Mmmmmm....fresh coffee.
I understand what's being said about making your words longer, possibly having more punctuation at the beginning, as a contrast to the flurry of activity in the middle.
I'll offer another scenario: those who need stimulation to work and function normally are going to be impaired without the coffee, so I think that the disorganized lines and absent punctuation works in the beginning. It shows how stumbling life can be without the stimulation that caffeine brings. The caffeinated parts could be the ones that show the higher degree of organization and flow (without compromising the galloping pace). The picture that you're painting for me is of someone who can't quite get it together without the beans.
Enjoyed the read!
I like poems that deal with our 21st century reality and your subjects feel fresh. Mmmmmm....fresh coffee.
I understand what's being said about making your words longer, possibly having more punctuation at the beginning, as a contrast to the flurry of activity in the middle.
I'll offer another scenario: those who need stimulation to work and function normally are going to be impaired without the coffee, so I think that the disorganized lines and absent punctuation works in the beginning. It shows how stumbling life can be without the stimulation that caffeine brings. The caffeinated parts could be the ones that show the higher degree of organization and flow (without compromising the galloping pace). The picture that you're painting for me is of someone who can't quite get it together without the beans.
Enjoyed the read!