05-28-2016, 02:42 AM
There are several aspects of this poem which work really well. The contrast of the plain style in the pre-coffee passages with the polysyllabic sentences in the post-coffee ones is effective. I also like how the progression of events is represented in each mental state. Both parts seem to imply a transition from one event to the next without ever actually stating it. What's great about this, though, is how different each approach is. One has a sort of stop-and-go effect while the other has events quickly flowing into each other (done to a large extent by omitting punctuation).
However, I have two concerns I would like to express.
The first is in "a cheetah hunting paper work." While I appreciate the humor here, the image of a cheetah is too prevalent of a symbol for speed. The same could also be said about the image of the laser being a symbol for precision. These passages certainly aren't poem-breakers, but maybe you could think of replacing them with something more unique?
The second, more important, concern is the use of whitespace in the pre-coffee passages. It seems to be over-utilized throughout the poem and almost unnecessary in light of my first statement. You should consider a more subtle approach — try lessening the amount of it.
The relationship of people with coffee is a situation most of us can relate to. Its universality is wonderful due to its widespread appeal, yet it is this which makes discussing it cumbersome. Why? Because we are forced to approach a familiar topic in a new light.
Great art requires the element of surprise. I went in expecting an extensive use of whitespace after reading the title, and I found just that. Some expectations are meant to be met, though it's how we meet them (and how many of them are met) that can make or break a work of art. Perhaps you could use this expectation of whitepace as a strength in your poem by finding a new and creative way to use it?
There is a lot of potential here. Exceed expectations!
However, I have two concerns I would like to express.
The first is in "a cheetah hunting paper work." While I appreciate the humor here, the image of a cheetah is too prevalent of a symbol for speed. The same could also be said about the image of the laser being a symbol for precision. These passages certainly aren't poem-breakers, but maybe you could think of replacing them with something more unique?
The second, more important, concern is the use of whitespace in the pre-coffee passages. It seems to be over-utilized throughout the poem and almost unnecessary in light of my first statement. You should consider a more subtle approach — try lessening the amount of it.
The relationship of people with coffee is a situation most of us can relate to. Its universality is wonderful due to its widespread appeal, yet it is this which makes discussing it cumbersome. Why? Because we are forced to approach a familiar topic in a new light.
Great art requires the element of surprise. I went in expecting an extensive use of whitespace after reading the title, and I found just that. Some expectations are meant to be met, though it's how we meet them (and how many of them are met) that can make or break a work of art. Perhaps you could use this expectation of whitepace as a strength in your poem by finding a new and creative way to use it?
There is a lot of potential here. Exceed expectations!
“Nature is a haunted house—but Art—is a house that tries to be haunted.” - Emily Dickinson