05-27-2016, 10:24 PM
Greetings and thanks for sharing this (ode?) I like it!
[quote='justcloudy' pid='210942' dateline='1463694242']
edit
The crack in her ancient voice so crack was edited out of the middle, so should it be here? i like the word (and the sound)
repeats, dully echoing in the hollow
of her trunk, blanketed in soft green.
Her dents cave in, subsiding a more vivid word than 'subsiding' ? the abstraction feels out of place among so many strong images
into holes and heaps of mush. great line/sound
Crumbles gather in the dips; again, vivid, well written
microbes clamber through the litter. sound! yes!
She was once an upright bastion,
proud of all whom she gave life to. i realize the direct object relative pronoun is grammatical, but necessary? (we can always delete 'whom')
Now millions, just born, crawl through
her splayed and broken corpse. again, broken=crack in sound and meaning; are you abandoning these sounds? if she falls, then maybe she cracks the trees around her? then the millions can spring forth?
Thanks, JC!
[quote='justcloudy' pid='210942' dateline='1463694242']
edit
The crack in her ancient voice so crack was edited out of the middle, so should it be here? i like the word (and the sound)
repeats, dully echoing in the hollow
of her trunk, blanketed in soft green.
Her dents cave in, subsiding a more vivid word than 'subsiding' ? the abstraction feels out of place among so many strong images
into holes and heaps of mush. great line/sound
Crumbles gather in the dips; again, vivid, well written
microbes clamber through the litter. sound! yes!
She was once an upright bastion,
proud of all whom she gave life to. i realize the direct object relative pronoun is grammatical, but necessary? (we can always delete 'whom')
Now millions, just born, crawl through
her splayed and broken corpse. again, broken=crack in sound and meaning; are you abandoning these sounds? if she falls, then maybe she cracks the trees around her? then the millions can spring forth?
Thanks, JC!