05-27-2016, 03:34 AM
Thank you all for very insightful comments!
I am not sure if preachy is good or bad. When I read the second speaker in my head, it becomes "a hymn to life". I guess that is another way of saying preachy. Then it might be I just like it that way. I was playing a bit with rearranging the lines like this in the third(fourth?) stanza:
A smiling mother,
A laughing child,
They rejoice in one another.
You must choose which things to see,
What you read, and who to be.
It takes away some of the rythm, not sure if it is enough to take away the "Mother Gooseiness"? I will have to think a bit more about this..
Regarding viewing life as play, I don't think it has to be cynical, although I am aware it can be seen as cynical. But just as you can view life as very serious or sad, and focus on the bad, you can choose to try and find what is fun in whatever you are doing, and thus making it play. (Alan Watts inspired that line if you're interested in a more in depth philosophical journey. Listening to him talk is quite fun. There is a lot on youtube.) I will see if I can reconnect play in the third stanza, or if I should rewrite line 2 again..Or if I will leave it unconnected..so many choices, so much fun!
I am leaning toward changing line 2 into "Be here, now, enjoy the play." /
Or "come out and play" might, at least in an obscure way, connect with a laughing child?
I am also thinking that the ending should be changed..I feel it is a bit abrupt, it does not really build up to the idea of disidentifying with the ego which was sort of the point with the last line..Not giving up the true self, but finding it. Otherwise, putting "me" in italics is a class act, thank you for that suggestion. I will come back with an updated version in a while, you have given me so much food for thought..It is much appreciated!
Again, thank you!
I am not sure if preachy is good or bad. When I read the second speaker in my head, it becomes "a hymn to life". I guess that is another way of saying preachy. Then it might be I just like it that way. I was playing a bit with rearranging the lines like this in the third(fourth?) stanza:
A smiling mother,
A laughing child,
They rejoice in one another.
You must choose which things to see,
What you read, and who to be.
It takes away some of the rythm, not sure if it is enough to take away the "Mother Gooseiness"? I will have to think a bit more about this..
Regarding viewing life as play, I don't think it has to be cynical, although I am aware it can be seen as cynical. But just as you can view life as very serious or sad, and focus on the bad, you can choose to try and find what is fun in whatever you are doing, and thus making it play. (Alan Watts inspired that line if you're interested in a more in depth philosophical journey. Listening to him talk is quite fun. There is a lot on youtube.) I will see if I can reconnect play in the third stanza, or if I should rewrite line 2 again..Or if I will leave it unconnected..so many choices, so much fun!
I am leaning toward changing line 2 into "Be here, now, enjoy the play." /
Or "come out and play" might, at least in an obscure way, connect with a laughing child?
I am also thinking that the ending should be changed..I feel it is a bit abrupt, it does not really build up to the idea of disidentifying with the ego which was sort of the point with the last line..Not giving up the true self, but finding it. Otherwise, putting "me" in italics is a class act, thank you for that suggestion. I will come back with an updated version in a while, you have given me so much food for thought..It is much appreciated!
Again, thank you!