Name Game

[Magpie]

Hi Kolemath, this is a neat idea and ultimately an interesting question. Because you mentioned that you had already posted it in 'Novice' then I couldn't help but look, so it may have some bearing on what I say here.

Name Game


1  -- The numbering of parts of the poem doesn't seem necessary
Your name

staked in your brain
like tracks of a railroad train.
 
If you had a different name,
would you be the same? -- Everything you say in this part you essentially say again in the next part, which makes it somewhat redundant. Although I prefer the rhythm of this first part.
 
2
From birth you are staked with a name
hammering over your brain -- this line seems odd when the obvious connection with 'hammer' would be the 'stake' from the previous line in which case it would be 'hammered into your brain' like a stake is hammered into the ground
like thousands of rattling trains -- could possibly be shortened to 'like a thousand rattling trains'
chuffing out rhythms proclaimed, -- Ah, in the original you had this as 'cuffing' was it a mistake? 'cuffing' as in 'hitting with an open hand' fits in better with your idea of a name being hammered and repetition.
 
This is your name!
This is your name!
This is your name! -- Sounds like a train, sounds like a train... I like it. Also back to the previous line, 'cuffing' would fit in better with these three lines.
 
Do names limit lives
as tracks limit destinations?
 
Joe the plumber -- I get 'Bob the builder' but sonically shouldn't this be something like 'Joe the joiner'
pulls pipes in Pittsburgh.
Bob the builder 
hammers houses in Houston.
 
But where is Cletus the theorist? -- Bear with me on this one, but would 'theologist' work better here because 'theorist' is related to 'theory' which comes from 'theoros' meaning spectator and related to 'thea' meaning 'a view' as in 'theatre'. However 'Theodore' literally means 'gift of god', 'theos' - god 'doron' - gift... Do you see where I'm coming from??

Should have named him Theodore.
 
3
Imagine naming yourself.
 
Slower.
 
Imagine naming 
 
your 
 
self -- I imagine the train slowing down here, so this works for me.
 
without the tracks
your name has rattled, 
rattling you away.
 
Now, imagine 
your 
self
unnamed.
 
These pseudonyms won’t last. -- I think that the previous statement is a more powerful one to end on and it implies what is said in this line, don't do all the work for the reader.


Hello fellow writers and critics. I posted this to the novice forum a few days ago, but am hoping to elevate the piece to some more critical eyes, post-revision.  Please rip to shreds at your convenience!  

I really enjoyed reading this poem and its simple yet poignant question. It is a question that I have thought about many times. I am adopted and therefore had one name for about six months and then it was changed by my adoptive parents. So often when I was growing up I couldn't help but wonder, 'What if...', thanks for making me ponder it again.

Thanks for the read,

Mark