05-26-2016, 09:30 AM
Thanks for sharing, Universalchild! We don't see enough love poems these days!
[quote='Universalchild' pid='211111' dateline='1464090275']
Sacred sister
how I have watched you grow
the blossom of breasts
as earth's blood flows --further consider the connection between the earth of the muse's body? how does earth have blood?
innocence and elegance --love the sound of these words together
that shape your face
wise goddess eyes
as endless as space
and I cannot read --is 'cannot' the best word? maybe 'try to decipher' or something like this, as the poem is a musing (and interpretation)?
your pensive stare
the ancient language --very cool word choice
reflected there.
I crave the sunrise
of your gentle smile
when the distance feels --what causes the distance?
to have grown awhile --is 'feels to have grown' too wordy?
the emotional chasm --delete 'the'? the rhythm is improved for me when I read without it
of our words unsaid
when I lose my warmth --i like that this connects to the sunrise line above
or you're lost in your head
and I quietly shudder
as I remember how
our lips touched in the dark
and if you regret that now. --way to carry on the notion of doubt first introduced in this stanza
Intangible strength
how beautiful and strange --consider rhythm? 'the beauty and strange' perhaps?
this journey of ours
as our feelings change --why have they changed? is this too abstract?
fluid in essence
like the lingering kiss --is fluid like a kiss? how so?
as I stroked your hips
soft skin evoked bliss --subtle but provocative
and moments of peace
where soul gazing speaks
divine bones fresh curves --strong allusion here
fingertips brush cheek.
We hold in cold hands
these fragments of choice
each path we become
the birth of your voice --how does a path become the birth of a voice?
and the worries we share --what worries are shared? i felt like the last stanza was expressing distance; this stanza is about connecting again? how might the dynamics of this relationship be a bit more concrete?
as I struggle with doubt
at crossed boundary fears --interesting word choice
or the truth leaking out
the rejection perception --nice sounds
but then do I let go
can there be exception
to rules carved in stone? --is stone the best image among visions of soft skin and fluid? where else might these rules be written?
Our thirst for connection --nice work keeping the fluid metaphor going
and self-creation rebellion
of human imperfection
imbibing nectar forbidden --I love the climax of this stanza. do the opening lines of the stanza distract from it's ultimate climax? berhaps the lanugae of imperfection and desire would fit earlier in the poem?
the passion fused lust
which is carefully hidden
but the echos of my love
refract light from the sun
on the curious merging of
sister and lover as one. --I infer we're not talking biological sister here, but the line reads that way a bit? how might the idea of sister expel any notion of incest? Sorry if that's too harsh; that's just how the lines read to me.
Thanks for sharing! Here's to more love poems! -Kole
[quote='Universalchild' pid='211111' dateline='1464090275']
Sacred sister
how I have watched you grow
the blossom of breasts
as earth's blood flows --further consider the connection between the earth of the muse's body? how does earth have blood?
innocence and elegance --love the sound of these words together
that shape your face
wise goddess eyes
as endless as space
and I cannot read --is 'cannot' the best word? maybe 'try to decipher' or something like this, as the poem is a musing (and interpretation)?
your pensive stare
the ancient language --very cool word choice
reflected there.
I crave the sunrise
of your gentle smile
when the distance feels --what causes the distance?
to have grown awhile --is 'feels to have grown' too wordy?
the emotional chasm --delete 'the'? the rhythm is improved for me when I read without it
of our words unsaid
when I lose my warmth --i like that this connects to the sunrise line above
or you're lost in your head
and I quietly shudder
as I remember how
our lips touched in the dark
and if you regret that now. --way to carry on the notion of doubt first introduced in this stanza
Intangible strength
how beautiful and strange --consider rhythm? 'the beauty and strange' perhaps?
this journey of ours
as our feelings change --why have they changed? is this too abstract?
fluid in essence
like the lingering kiss --is fluid like a kiss? how so?
as I stroked your hips
soft skin evoked bliss --subtle but provocative
and moments of peace
where soul gazing speaks
divine bones fresh curves --strong allusion here
fingertips brush cheek.
We hold in cold hands
these fragments of choice
each path we become
the birth of your voice --how does a path become the birth of a voice?
and the worries we share --what worries are shared? i felt like the last stanza was expressing distance; this stanza is about connecting again? how might the dynamics of this relationship be a bit more concrete?
as I struggle with doubt
at crossed boundary fears --interesting word choice
or the truth leaking out
the rejection perception --nice sounds
but then do I let go
can there be exception
to rules carved in stone? --is stone the best image among visions of soft skin and fluid? where else might these rules be written?
Our thirst for connection --nice work keeping the fluid metaphor going
and self-creation rebellion
of human imperfection
imbibing nectar forbidden --I love the climax of this stanza. do the opening lines of the stanza distract from it's ultimate climax? berhaps the lanugae of imperfection and desire would fit earlier in the poem?
the passion fused lust
which is carefully hidden
but the echos of my love
refract light from the sun
on the curious merging of
sister and lover as one. --I infer we're not talking biological sister here, but the line reads that way a bit? how might the idea of sister expel any notion of incest? Sorry if that's too harsh; that's just how the lines read to me.
Thanks for sharing! Here's to more love poems! -Kole