05-26-2016, 08:45 AM
Hey, Joseph. I know I'm a bit late coming in here, but I really like this poem. I see a lot of comments on punctuation, and agree a few more quotation marks might clarify the ambiguity of the speaker. A few other comments are below too.
[quote='Joseph Didis' pid='211118' dateline='1464100671']
Edit 1
Choose happiness, I heard you say, --"Choose happiness," might clarify that this speaker isn't the poem's speaker.
With open eyes, enjoy the play. --Is choosing happiness the same as enjoying the play? How so? It seems to me that enjoying a play (with regard to how one views life) is a bit of a cynical worldview, so does one choose happiness within cynicism? "Enjoy the play," I love this line, but does it fit with "Choose happiness?"
I looked at you in disbelief. . .
I said: You hear the children crying!
Know the pain of dear friends dying!
Watch the news, there's hundreds dead!
Sobbing women, forced to bed!
"Choose happiness", "enjoy the play", --I love the rhythm of this stanza and how the rhythm is broken in this line to capture, what seems to me, as an unrealistic way of viewing the violence of the world. Great work!
It's not possible these days!
Choose happiness, you said again, --so quotes here, as this isn't the poem's speaker? "Choose happiness,"
Rejoice that you're alive my friend.
And see the trees,
so calm and free,
From our thoughts,
of misery. --This is a smart stanza; happiness is found in ignoring the violence of people and instead focusing on the freedom (and innocence?) of nature.
A laughing child, a smiling mother,
They rejoice in one another.
You must choose which things to see,
What you read, and who to be. --again, this stanza is great, rhythm, content, imagery, but is it a play? how does this connect to the first stanza?
When sharing happiness with other, --"others" or "another" ?
Is for you the only bother. --great line and word play
You will see this life can be,
Filled with peace,
Step out of "me". --so the "me" here isn't the poem's second speaker, so should quotes be used? maybe italics would be better?
Great read! -Kole
[quote='Joseph Didis' pid='211118' dateline='1464100671']
Edit 1
Choose happiness, I heard you say, --"Choose happiness," might clarify that this speaker isn't the poem's speaker.
With open eyes, enjoy the play. --Is choosing happiness the same as enjoying the play? How so? It seems to me that enjoying a play (with regard to how one views life) is a bit of a cynical worldview, so does one choose happiness within cynicism? "Enjoy the play," I love this line, but does it fit with "Choose happiness?"
I looked at you in disbelief. . .
I said: You hear the children crying!
Know the pain of dear friends dying!
Watch the news, there's hundreds dead!
Sobbing women, forced to bed!
"Choose happiness", "enjoy the play", --I love the rhythm of this stanza and how the rhythm is broken in this line to capture, what seems to me, as an unrealistic way of viewing the violence of the world. Great work!
It's not possible these days!
Choose happiness, you said again, --so quotes here, as this isn't the poem's speaker? "Choose happiness,"
Rejoice that you're alive my friend.
And see the trees,
so calm and free,
From our thoughts,
of misery. --This is a smart stanza; happiness is found in ignoring the violence of people and instead focusing on the freedom (and innocence?) of nature.
A laughing child, a smiling mother,
They rejoice in one another.
You must choose which things to see,
What you read, and who to be. --again, this stanza is great, rhythm, content, imagery, but is it a play? how does this connect to the first stanza?
When sharing happiness with other, --"others" or "another" ?
Is for you the only bother. --great line and word play
You will see this life can be,
Filled with peace,
Step out of "me". --so the "me" here isn't the poem's second speaker, so should quotes be used? maybe italics would be better?
Great read! -Kole