05-26-2016, 07:18 AM
Ok, so I like this a lot. I agree that it is not clear that there is not an outside voice saying the "encouraging" things to the despairing person. You refer to that voice as "you," and to the other as "I." I think you have a dilemma: whose voices are these really? What do you want them to be?
I think that the idea of a mind split in half (while terrible), can yield interesting results. If the voice originally was absorbed from the outside, from a mother or sister for instance, then you have the added element of dealing with possibly a true vs. false self element. Exploring this could add some more depth to the poem.
I feel conflicted about the "you" voice: it seems like a person who is genuinely trying to be helpful out of love, but being a bit condescending and, perhaps, minimizing the pain that the person is in. For me, that muddles the happy ending.
For me, the preachy-ness of the "you" voice is intensified by your use of rhyme. It makes that voice feel "Mother Goose" ish.
I feel so torn about the final line: the ability to step out of your own mind and own pain is a necessary thing. And, I want the troubled protagonist to find peace and perspective! However, it reads to me like an abandoning of the true self is what's being asked in order for "healing" or functionality to resume. It's a very bittersweet ending for me.
Loved the read!
All the best to you
I think that the idea of a mind split in half (while terrible), can yield interesting results. If the voice originally was absorbed from the outside, from a mother or sister for instance, then you have the added element of dealing with possibly a true vs. false self element. Exploring this could add some more depth to the poem.
I feel conflicted about the "you" voice: it seems like a person who is genuinely trying to be helpful out of love, but being a bit condescending and, perhaps, minimizing the pain that the person is in. For me, that muddles the happy ending.
For me, the preachy-ness of the "you" voice is intensified by your use of rhyme. It makes that voice feel "Mother Goose" ish.
I feel so torn about the final line: the ability to step out of your own mind and own pain is a necessary thing. And, I want the troubled protagonist to find peace and perspective! However, it reads to me like an abandoning of the true self is what's being asked in order for "healing" or functionality to resume. It's a very bittersweet ending for me.
Loved the read!
All the best to you