Waking up

[Caleb Murdock]

"Snap out of it" I heard you say
"From ~the way~ you've gone astray" -- despite your comments, not sure what the tildes mean

I looked at you in disbelief..

"Can't you hear the children crying?
Feel the pain, a dear friend dying?
Bombs are falling, hundreds dead
Women sobbing, forced to bed
In my head I see it play
Doesn't matter what you say" -- these last two lines don't sound like something someone would say to snap someone out of a depression

"Choose happiness" you said again -- in the poem, at least, this is the first "choose happiness"
"Rejoice that you're alive my friend
And see the trees so calm and free
From our thoughts of misery"

Laughing children, smiling mother
They rejoice in one another -- are these characters given as examples of happiness?
"You must choose what you will see
What to read, and who to be"

"Share your happiness with other
Spreading smiles, your only bother
You will see this earth can be
A place of peace eternally" -- this stanza is a little convoluted


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I know I have only posted in the beginners forum so far, so if it fits better there that is fine, but I think this is as good as I can make this on my own, I really want it to be as good as possible though...

I will just show some variations that I have been thinking of.
"From ~the way~ you've gone astray"  (Feelings leading you astray.. I can see you're not ok.. How you feel is not the way) Not sure what is best,or something other all together, it is a a person talking to a highly depressed person anyways..

Women sobbing, forced to bed   (I was not sure if this was "too much", and I should go with something like "Smashing bottles to the head") actually that might be worse..I don't know..

Then I also cut out:
Take control and you'll be free
Every moment mindfully

Because not sure if I think it fits anywhere, and "mindfully" might resonate bad with some people so might be better left out, not sure..

Any help appreciated, thank you in advance.

It's an interesting poem.  Your meaning seems pretty clear:  Someone is telling you to "snap out of it" (out of your funk) because there are so many worse things happening in the world, and you could have much better reasons for feeling bad than the ones you have.  Or at least, that's the meaning I am taking from it.  Oh, I see you've already told us that you are depressed.  (When I say "you", I mean the speaker in the poem, who may be fictional.)

I added some comments.  My main thought is this:  Is giving a depressed person a stern lecture the best way to release him from his unhappiness?  The words in quotes sound like a scold from a parent which has the same basic meaning as, "Eat your supper! There are children starving in India!" (or some variation of that).  I think there are kinder ways of saying, "I know you are depressed and feeling bad, but things could be so much worse."  A good poem has to have a good meaning, and the scolding person speaking in quotes isn't necessarily saying anything of value. What's needed in your poem is a more subtle approach to the subject, more insight.