Brass

[Cousin Kil]

Hi! I love that the cadence of your character's speech shows through in your use of 'must of,' 'cigs,' and 'smoking snouts.' This goes such a long way toward establishing your imagery. Please don't ever change it!

Have you thought about adding a line or two to flesh him out a bit more? He would certainly know his weaponry -- he'd be able to speak to what kind of round and what caliber gun brought down each set of antlers. What caliber is he currently reloading? What's his favorite weapon? I ask because of the omnipotence you're trying to project -- someone who loves to kill for the power it affords would love to tell you every detail about their hunts. He'd probably have the bullet that took down the biggest elk (or whatever) framed next to it or mounted in between its bared teeth.

And, I like the 'antler deer almighties.' If he's able to take down such a beast that makes him seem even more powerful.

I like that you're doing something different and experimenting with new voices that might not seem "poetic." Thanks for the read!

Hey Lizzie!

Hmmm, I hadn't thought of making the edition of a stanza but that would make sense. Those very finite details of caliber and gun would add more legitimacy to the voice/scene and flesh out the idea more. I'll have to think on how to approach this though-- this poem came out all in one very quick and furious writing session, so I'll have to fit on the shoes I was in again to get back into its mood/rhythm/cadence/what have you. You catch my drift. I appreciate the idea.

I've also recently been considering rewriting this scene into a flash story. I've been doing a lot of those lately and submitting to mags and this idea might be a perfect candidate. Who knows what the future holds for Brass haha.

Also thanks so much for appreciating the voice, it's nice to find people who like it as much as I do. I get a little worried sometimes that my language becomes to obsessed with obscurity (a guilty pleasure) and while I do firmly believe I'm writing the way I am because that is my voice/the realest voice of my character or scene, it is just so nice to be re-assured by a total stranger that the language does in fact work, even if it's just working for you and no other reader. That means at least two people like the poem- me and you- so thank you for that. And thanks for liking something as weird as "antler dead almighties" haha, I like it too.

---

I like the way you present the character by describing his actions instead of what he actually looks like. One thing I might add is that you lack punctuation marks in some places where it needs to be, like at the end of each section. Also, the middle section seems a bit out of place, with the references to his smoking habits seeming out of nowhere. Overall it is a good poem.

Hey!

I'll have to think on punctuation still, whether to totally eliminate or correct it.

The smoking habits are what he is thinking of in the moment of the scene-- he's thinking about how long he's smoked in this chair and made bullets-- but the smoking is also there to outline how "god-like" he's come to feel in his years as he's been making these bullets. He takes the risk of smoking around the gunpowder because to him he's not in danger, he feels like a god in it. Immortal.

Thanks for the crit!

Cuz

---

I really like this. I think you should be consistent in your punctuation, that is either have it or don't. Personally I like the rush of language that comes without it. 'Must of' would normally be 'must have' unless it's a dialect vernacular thing is it? Likewise the word 'besides' used where it is? The end is very well achieved. I think this is a well focused piece. Title change?

Hey Hallaig

Forgot to respond to the title change portion of this crit.

I'm quite fond of the title, personally. Not only does it describe the brass casings, but the brass is also a symbol of his identity as a god, or rather false identity. He's been handling the bullets for so long that his fingers start to feel like the metal. And this metal feeling that comes into him gives him the sense of security and immortality that comes to define him to us. But brass is a soft metal, easily malleable. The title as of now shows the contradiction of his character/the scene-- he feels he's unstoppable by feeling like this but this is a false sense of security. He is like any other man, easily bent.

That's how I read the title and why I chose it. That being said, always open to suggestions.

Thanks for the crit, I really appreciate it!

Cuz