05-21-2016, 11:50 AM
No line-by-line; I don't feel it's necessary. Biggest issue, however: punctuation. I get the heroin rush sort of thing, but I don't think it deserves the abandonment of punctuation altogether. I'm not bothered by the lifeboat and sinking ship as clichés, but it could use a little more originality. Heroin is a big problem where I live, having lost several local students to it this year, one just a few days ago. I can't say I'm particularly fond of this portrayal, but having never tried it, I only know the outside-looking-in perspective, which is a pretty ugly sight.
If you're the smartest person in the room, you're in the wrong room.
"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona
"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona