Adrift

[QDeathstar]

I'm not really happy with this one, I think it needs a lot of work but I also think there is some good stuff here. Anyway just looking for tips on shaping this up into something more finished. Thanks!

The world can be a scary place cliche off the bat. How many times have you heard this exact phrase said? why waste time repeating it.
I remember because I was once on that sinking ship cliche two
and I jumped
and with a tremendous splash I hit sensations during the trip could be interesting. This a to b is boring.

I was flailing
panic stole me
and I swore there to myself that I would die such plain melodramatic language. I kinda like panic stole me, but you need to build off that more.

But a lifeboat came
you were on it
it came with a warm embrace that filled me to the bone
we could feel it enter our bloodstream
balloon in our stomach's like a gentle explosion of
the suns golden energy

and I jumped aboard and looked into your eyes
and there was beauty there
and I stole it and made it mine dear friend

we drift alone 
with only each other for company
lost in an endless expanse of solitude
each day drifting further
from anywhere we had been before this is all very generic. you don't need this many words to say what you are saying, if you choose to use this many words they need to be more impactful. it's almost like you don't care or are indeferent about the subject. we did this, then we did that, and after that we did this. Ok?

two survivors and a lifeboat
without food drink
without drive or spirit
nor' hope  without would probably work better than nor'. No sense in getting strange all of a sudden.

better pray dear friend

we looked hungrily at each other and 
without a shred of regret or review you fed me
 You pierced your heart once more suggest: you fed me your pierced heart for the last time
I caught your soul as it left your body
and with the life I stole
I found harbor
and left you in my memories forever