Adrift

[Joseph Didis]

I feel this poem is a bit hard to grasp, but as you said, I think you have something going here. I tried my best to give some feedback.

I'm not really happy with this one, I think it needs a lot of work but I also think there is some good stuff here. Anyway just looking for tips on shaping this up into something more finished. Thanks!

The world can be a scary place
I remember because I was once on that sinking ship     Might be how you want it, but I find it hard to know if "that sinking ship" points to the world or the feeling that it is scary
and I jumped
and with a tremendous splash I hit    Again, might be that you want it to be vague..But if you jumped from the world/scary feelings, what did you hit?

I was flailing
panic stole me
and I swore there to myself that I would die     

But a lifeboat came
you were on it
it came with a warm embrace that filled me to the bone
we could feel it enter our bloodstream
balloon in our stomach's like a gentle explosion of
the suns golden energy

and I jumped aboard and looked into your eyes
and there was beauty there       Maybe "and I saw beauty there, so I stole it...", I like it either way
and I stole it and made it mine dear friend       "my dear friend" or "mine, dear friend" would feel more natural to me

we drift alone 
with only each other for company   
lost in an endless expanse of solitude
each day drifting further
from anywhere we had been before

two survivors and a lifeboat
without food drink     put in a comma or something here "without food, drink"/ "food or drink"
without drive or spirit
nor' hope 

better pray dear friend

we looked hungrily at each other and 
without a shred of regret or review you fed me
 You pierced your heart once more
I caught your soul as it left your body
and with the life I stole
I found harbor
and left you in my memories forever

Thank you for sharing