05-14-2016, 04:53 AM
Todd --
I can’t tell you how helpful your comments are. Definitely endless summer and heart of winter need to be bagged and replaced. As I look at them now, they do seem as worn as a forty-year-old couch.
Your central points are much appreciated and I see how the emotional heft of this is lighter than it should be. You have pinpointed where the work needs to be done, and overall what I need to do is to draw tighter the connection with the human emotions, which I see are currently left too far in the background. The last stanza needs serious work, the appearance of the grain truck needs to be set up much better or replaced. If the ending is fixed, the first line should be clearer as well - I like that you have made me cognizant of how these play together.
Thanks for your time and energy with this poem, and for your wonderful insights. I have to say I was tickled by your mention of James Wright, one of my favorite poets.
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Jae -
Thanks for your reading of this. Plow is the uniform North American spelling for the farm implement which turns the soil, and for the verb form as well. I heard on the Writer’s Almanac a while ago that the spelling in America was changed from plough to plow by Noah Webster in the spelling book he published in 1828, and which over the years sold more than 60 million copies. [Sidetracked]. I agree the poem lacks some oomph. So that’s part of the next revision. I appreciate your comments.
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underthewronghat -
Cheers - hell. My apologies for your feeling compelled to scan. By way of explanation or confession - I wrote this to a simple meter of 10 syllables per line. I was not attempting or intending accentual meter, not pentameter. I think we have our own internal metronomes, senses of cadence, and breath sequence rhythms. I found that I can read my own 10-syllable lines with ease, certainly with more ease than that with which I can write pentameter. It does strike some as odd or difficult and I sympathize with you. If you are able to read it without thinking of pattern accentual rhythm, does it then work better for you? I’m not saying it should, but for some I think it does. I would love to be able to write consistent blank verse, but I can’t avoid sliding into the use of contorted language. Maybe I learn those tools of how to do it right here. Thanks so much for engaging on this.
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Achebe -
There is a Rabbit River in Michigan and two in Minnesota. This poem references the Rabbit River which winds its way 30+ miles through West Central Minnesota into the Bois de Sioux River which forms the boundary with the Dakotas. I would suppose that many of the geographical details don’t fit with Michigan – the buffalo especially. This setting is the edge of the Great Plains, and plains culture.
I agree with your lack of enthusiasm for breathless and endless. I think there are several other flat tires as well.
Meadow beasts - is intended to include a mix of bison, elk, deer, antelope, prong horn, bobcats, fox, badgers.
I was not trying to reference “ sleepy lives of Midwestern farmers” if there is such a thing, so I do need to look at making the text much more clear. And, as you say, more vivid.
Thanks for your feedback. Coupled with the others, I think I have a good idea where to go with this.
Teagan
I can’t tell you how helpful your comments are. Definitely endless summer and heart of winter need to be bagged and replaced. As I look at them now, they do seem as worn as a forty-year-old couch.
Your central points are much appreciated and I see how the emotional heft of this is lighter than it should be. You have pinpointed where the work needs to be done, and overall what I need to do is to draw tighter the connection with the human emotions, which I see are currently left too far in the background. The last stanza needs serious work, the appearance of the grain truck needs to be set up much better or replaced. If the ending is fixed, the first line should be clearer as well - I like that you have made me cognizant of how these play together.
Thanks for your time and energy with this poem, and for your wonderful insights. I have to say I was tickled by your mention of James Wright, one of my favorite poets.
------------------
Jae -
Thanks for your reading of this. Plow is the uniform North American spelling for the farm implement which turns the soil, and for the verb form as well. I heard on the Writer’s Almanac a while ago that the spelling in America was changed from plough to plow by Noah Webster in the spelling book he published in 1828, and which over the years sold more than 60 million copies. [Sidetracked]. I agree the poem lacks some oomph. So that’s part of the next revision. I appreciate your comments.
---------------------
underthewronghat -
Cheers - hell. My apologies for your feeling compelled to scan. By way of explanation or confession - I wrote this to a simple meter of 10 syllables per line. I was not attempting or intending accentual meter, not pentameter. I think we have our own internal metronomes, senses of cadence, and breath sequence rhythms. I found that I can read my own 10-syllable lines with ease, certainly with more ease than that with which I can write pentameter. It does strike some as odd or difficult and I sympathize with you. If you are able to read it without thinking of pattern accentual rhythm, does it then work better for you? I’m not saying it should, but for some I think it does. I would love to be able to write consistent blank verse, but I can’t avoid sliding into the use of contorted language. Maybe I learn those tools of how to do it right here. Thanks so much for engaging on this.
----------------------
Achebe -
There is a Rabbit River in Michigan and two in Minnesota. This poem references the Rabbit River which winds its way 30+ miles through West Central Minnesota into the Bois de Sioux River which forms the boundary with the Dakotas. I would suppose that many of the geographical details don’t fit with Michigan – the buffalo especially. This setting is the edge of the Great Plains, and plains culture.
I agree with your lack of enthusiasm for breathless and endless. I think there are several other flat tires as well.
Meadow beasts - is intended to include a mix of bison, elk, deer, antelope, prong horn, bobcats, fox, badgers.
I was not trying to reference “ sleepy lives of Midwestern farmers” if there is such a thing, so I do need to look at making the text much more clear. And, as you say, more vivid.
Thanks for your feedback. Coupled with the others, I think I have a good idea where to go with this.
Teagan