05-13-2016, 08:44 PM
I am hoping upon hope that you are a fairly new poet because there is a lot of talent in here, and you have tremendous room to grow and refine your writing. I love that you are writing in rhyme and meter, both of which seem to be dying arts.
I suggest that you try writing in full sentences with proper punctuation. I also think that you should have only one rhyme per stanza. Two rhymes are very hard to achieve while keeping the language natural -- rhymes can take over a poem. And don't be afraid of off-rhymes or internal rhymes. Also, writing about a fantasy world will limit your appeal to whatever audience you have -- is it really so hard to write about real life? You also have some cliched images (humble, calm trees; starry sky, etc.).
Here is your first stanza:
The birds sit quiet, all humble trees are calm
No wind that howls, no sword in sturdy palm.
The shallow grass beneath the starry sky
It sleeps tonight with none to ponder why.
Here it is rewritten in sentences. Doesn't it sound a little better?
The birds sit quietly; all humble trees are calm.
No wind howls, no sword in sturdy palm.
The shallow grass beneath the starry sky
Sleeps tonight with none to ponder why.
"No sword in sturdy palm" is still a fragment, but it works. All I did was to remove two words, change "quiet" to "quietly", and make adjustments to the punctuation. Properly written sentences are always clearer than fragments.
I suggest that you try writing in full sentences with proper punctuation. I also think that you should have only one rhyme per stanza. Two rhymes are very hard to achieve while keeping the language natural -- rhymes can take over a poem. And don't be afraid of off-rhymes or internal rhymes. Also, writing about a fantasy world will limit your appeal to whatever audience you have -- is it really so hard to write about real life? You also have some cliched images (humble, calm trees; starry sky, etc.).
Here is your first stanza:
The birds sit quiet, all humble trees are calm
No wind that howls, no sword in sturdy palm.
The shallow grass beneath the starry sky
It sleeps tonight with none to ponder why.
Here it is rewritten in sentences. Doesn't it sound a little better?
The birds sit quietly; all humble trees are calm.
No wind howls, no sword in sturdy palm.
The shallow grass beneath the starry sky
Sleeps tonight with none to ponder why.
"No sword in sturdy palm" is still a fragment, but it works. All I did was to remove two words, change "quiet" to "quietly", and make adjustments to the punctuation. Properly written sentences are always clearer than fragments.