Hi Ella,
Here are some comments for you.
A Girl Through The Glass—I like the title, but I’m not a fan of the parenthetical part. It feels like you’re cheating in the allusions. I’d rather the poem brought them out. Though Carroll is clearly referenced in the title.
(raised on Carroll, Chagall and Steinem)
She's set apart, she's floating upside down.—I love the surreal quality of this line. It is a good follow up from the title. She has entered somewhere or a state of mind that sets her at odds with normal reality.
All else seems right, a thriving farming town—Taking this first phrase, she then does not seem right, but to whom is that addressed. Is there an observer? The reader as omniscient observer? Or she does not seem right to herself. Or from an aerial view she is the one thing that doesn’t go with everything else. Thriving farming town seems too shorthand to me, though I realize it’s a transitional phrase to place the idea of the she in the poem being at odds with a pastoral predictable life.
with goats to milk and fields of hay to scythe,--I like the concrete examples here. I think for the line above something that just establishing the setting in the matter a fact style of this line might work.
together animals and men are blithe:
a happy world, why does she tumble 'round?—Normally I would take issue with a happy world but I think it works here because it feels slightly facetious. I take the tumble round part as being dissatisfied with the life choice before her.
Her feet sit high above her like a crown—another great surreal image. The fact that you end with a crown gives the disquiet at her apparent lack of fit with her surroundings a positive feel.
but still a smile when turned becomes a frown,--Great line. This also brings an interesting interpretation with the last line. It may be saying there is an apparent sense that she is in control (crown sovereignty) but in reality she is out of control.
why would she fret with such a peaceful life?—This line feels like it has already been addressed above, I’m not sure what new ground this line introduces.
She's set apart
beneath her house whose roof points at the ground. –at the ground or to the ground? Again great opening image. This stanza holds together well for me.
Within the wedge split by her azure gown—like the introduction of color
her face is blank. Her empty arms are lithe—good descriptive line like the goats and hay above.
but though her husband's near he sees no wife.—nice parallel structure with the smile/frown line. The symmetry makes this more interesting.
Her head hangs low, in floods the first to drown.—A bit ominous that lack of control has threat and consequence.
Her part is set.—Seems a bit pre-determined, fatalistic. I like it.
She has the strength to turn the world her way,
above the city's spikes her will holds sway.—The promise that the crown gave us is coming to pass.
She makes the scene her own and plants her feet,--she shifts the world to her perspective.
stance rooted deep to guard against defeat;
she draws the bold to join in her soiree.—Just noting the beginning of French words. The language choice seems to emphasize freedom.
With street-smarts edging her naiveté
she savors life like slow-sipped cabernet;--Nice image
just mildly buzzed, relaxed but still upbeat.—I’d rather see a “but” line like the first two that has an interesting image to go along with it. This line while not bad left me flat.
She has the strength
to cherish but move on from yesterday,
maintain her joie de vivre, a bit risqué
but knowing when to be discreet.—same comment as above for this “but” line.
Her husband revels in her grin replete
upon the bed she's made, content they lay—bed she’s made is a bit cliché.
within her strength.—The two strength endings feel repetitive.
I hope some of that helps.
Best,
Todd
Here are some comments for you.
A Girl Through The Glass—I like the title, but I’m not a fan of the parenthetical part. It feels like you’re cheating in the allusions. I’d rather the poem brought them out. Though Carroll is clearly referenced in the title.
(raised on Carroll, Chagall and Steinem)
She's set apart, she's floating upside down.—I love the surreal quality of this line. It is a good follow up from the title. She has entered somewhere or a state of mind that sets her at odds with normal reality.
All else seems right, a thriving farming town—Taking this first phrase, she then does not seem right, but to whom is that addressed. Is there an observer? The reader as omniscient observer? Or she does not seem right to herself. Or from an aerial view she is the one thing that doesn’t go with everything else. Thriving farming town seems too shorthand to me, though I realize it’s a transitional phrase to place the idea of the she in the poem being at odds with a pastoral predictable life.
with goats to milk and fields of hay to scythe,--I like the concrete examples here. I think for the line above something that just establishing the setting in the matter a fact style of this line might work.
together animals and men are blithe:
a happy world, why does she tumble 'round?—Normally I would take issue with a happy world but I think it works here because it feels slightly facetious. I take the tumble round part as being dissatisfied with the life choice before her.
Her feet sit high above her like a crown—another great surreal image. The fact that you end with a crown gives the disquiet at her apparent lack of fit with her surroundings a positive feel.
but still a smile when turned becomes a frown,--Great line. This also brings an interesting interpretation with the last line. It may be saying there is an apparent sense that she is in control (crown sovereignty) but in reality she is out of control.
why would she fret with such a peaceful life?—This line feels like it has already been addressed above, I’m not sure what new ground this line introduces.
She's set apart
beneath her house whose roof points at the ground. –at the ground or to the ground? Again great opening image. This stanza holds together well for me.
Within the wedge split by her azure gown—like the introduction of color
her face is blank. Her empty arms are lithe—good descriptive line like the goats and hay above.
but though her husband's near he sees no wife.—nice parallel structure with the smile/frown line. The symmetry makes this more interesting.
Her head hangs low, in floods the first to drown.—A bit ominous that lack of control has threat and consequence.
Her part is set.—Seems a bit pre-determined, fatalistic. I like it.
She has the strength to turn the world her way,
above the city's spikes her will holds sway.—The promise that the crown gave us is coming to pass.
She makes the scene her own and plants her feet,--she shifts the world to her perspective.
stance rooted deep to guard against defeat;
she draws the bold to join in her soiree.—Just noting the beginning of French words. The language choice seems to emphasize freedom.
With street-smarts edging her naiveté
she savors life like slow-sipped cabernet;--Nice image
just mildly buzzed, relaxed but still upbeat.—I’d rather see a “but” line like the first two that has an interesting image to go along with it. This line while not bad left me flat.
She has the strength
to cherish but move on from yesterday,
maintain her joie de vivre, a bit risqué
but knowing when to be discreet.—same comment as above for this “but” line.
Her husband revels in her grin replete
upon the bed she's made, content they lay—bed she’s made is a bit cliché.
within her strength.—The two strength endings feel repetitive.
I hope some of that helps.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson