Habits (revision3)

[Todd]

I've read this through a few times, and to me it feels like a step forward. A few comments on the revision.

Middle of the room, 
Stephanie dances around me, 
“I’m sick baby, real sick,
got to see Tony now.”--This is better. I'm not sure if her speaking is the way to go. Its an improvement. I realize this is also a sort of telling but maybe rephrase it in an observation.

L3-4: in her SickBabyGotToSeeTonyNowRealSickWay (may be too gimmicky or lucille clifton, but just a thought.

Her eyes roll and vibrate,--vibrate is unexpected and a really cool choice.
as she spins out like a whirligig.
Through the window 
the sun bakes her
while she unfurls.--Still like this ending thought. Do you think its stronger broken this way? I'm really not sure.

Pencil thin arms and legs,
flailing, obscure her figure.  
Hypnotized by the kitchen clock, 
she hits the door,
and she’s in the wind.--I really like the lost feeling of she's in the wind. I'm not too sure I like the repetition of she and she's, but I love the changes in this strophe.

I clench the sill, 
and watch, 
as she storms the old route, 
then I scour the dresser for change.
The coins jangle like a ring of keys 
in the hands 
of an approaching jailer.

Good revision.

Best,

Todd