05-03-2016, 06:02 PM
Hi Useless (an odd salutation...) -
1. do you mean 'taken' by a former lover? 'made' suggests a painting. EDIT: sorry, I suppose you meant a picture and not a photo. I just automatically assumed it was a photo. Not warranted.
2. how else would a crown sit on someone's head than as on a king's? the simile is weak.
3. The line breaks don't correspond to a pause in thought or speech
4. Combined with (3), the enjambments look quite arbitrary.
5. Since you've already disclosed that your lover is no longer with you, the 'last kiss' comes across as just a regular factoid. There is no surprise / punch, if that was what you were aiming for.
1. do you mean 'taken' by a former lover? 'made' suggests a painting. EDIT: sorry, I suppose you meant a picture and not a photo. I just automatically assumed it was a photo. Not warranted.
2. how else would a crown sit on someone's head than as on a king's? the simile is weak.
3. The line breaks don't correspond to a pause in thought or speech
4. Combined with (3), the enjambments look quite arbitrary.
5. Since you've already disclosed that your lover is no longer with you, the 'last kiss' comes across as just a regular factoid. There is no surprise / punch, if that was what you were aiming for.
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe