04-29-2016, 12:20 PM
I hate it when somebody tells me what I'm about to tell you, but the original, not without its defects, is still more vibrant than any of the revisions. Some of the word choices might be a little off, but the feeling is deeper, more concentrated, and more affecting than, say, the latest version which left me slightly cold.
Reflect deeply at a mirror of your heart, (OK, I think you could condense a lot of this - "look deeply into your heart's miorror...")
The essence of my being
Is all around you. (I am all around you)
My breaths are embraced
On the back of your hand. (my breath on the back of your hand)
The soft heat of my velvety touch
Is still breathing in your eyes. (your eyes breathe my soft heat)
My unfulfilled desires, longings (Unfulfilled desires - cliche - (your pores absorb my longings)
Are still scattered on your pores.
My soul’s dew filled perfume
had fallen in the home courtyard, (your courtyard holds my soul's dew)
My tears are cling in bed folds,
My tone, which was lost long ago
By your dampen lips, (what do you mean by tone? These three lines need to make more sense.)
Is still sitting there.
By the window
Where there are heavy curtains of fog (fog curtains the window / where my dusk is waiting for you)
My dusk is still waiting for you.
Still, my dawn is asleep in your palm.
My reflection is still alive
in a mirror of your heart
too many "stills" - My dawn sleeps in your palm/ your mirror still holds my reflection.)
Hope this is not too disconcerting, the original grabbed me the others not. RC
Reflect deeply at a mirror of your heart, (OK, I think you could condense a lot of this - "look deeply into your heart's miorror...")
The essence of my being
Is all around you. (I am all around you)
My breaths are embraced
On the back of your hand. (my breath on the back of your hand)
The soft heat of my velvety touch
Is still breathing in your eyes. (your eyes breathe my soft heat)
My unfulfilled desires, longings (Unfulfilled desires - cliche - (your pores absorb my longings)
Are still scattered on your pores.
My soul’s dew filled perfume
had fallen in the home courtyard, (your courtyard holds my soul's dew)
My tears are cling in bed folds,
My tone, which was lost long ago
By your dampen lips, (what do you mean by tone? These three lines need to make more sense.)
Is still sitting there.
By the window
Where there are heavy curtains of fog (fog curtains the window / where my dusk is waiting for you)
My dusk is still waiting for you.
Still, my dawn is asleep in your palm.
My reflection is still alive
in a mirror of your heart
too many "stills" - My dawn sleeps in your palm/ your mirror still holds my reflection.)
Hope this is not too disconcerting, the original grabbed me the others not. RC