Pretty Boy

[Todd]

Hi Gretel,

Welcome to the site!

The main problem with this piece for me is its forgettable. There are a lot of throw away modifiers that don't do much work for you. I feel like the poem needs to go at three layers deeper and we're stuck here on the surface dealing with banal observations.

Some light line notes below.

Pretty Boy
 
We sit together on a log
Looking across the reservoir--A bit of a so what as an opening line, though I do prefer your plain language lines like this one.
 
Admiring the autumn colors
Layered under the blue sky--says little
 
Yellow, orange, brown and evergreen
Cast reflections serene--list of colors and trying to impose serenity by telling the reader its serene.
 
A quiet breeze sets the tone
for what would be our last afternoon 
 
You’re more quiet than usual
While I get up to search for bones--Possibly a better choice for an opener. More evocative.
 
Fisherman in their boat
Don’t pay us any note
 
A crow calls out overhead
His fortuitous cry piercing the silence--fortuitous is just another adjective drawing attention to itself
 
What was it you were thinking?
I now know with regret
 
I wish we had sat and held hands
and confessed our hearts’ discontent
 
Perhaps we could have saved ourselves from anguish
Perhaps we could have saved what was left
 
For that quiet afternoon this past October
was our last meeting as lovers--We should be building to an emotional payoff, and there really isn't one as it stands.

My advice with this would be to go deeper and stop trying to make the adjectives do what your image doesn't.

I hope this will be helpful for you as you revise.

Best,

Todd