04-19-2016, 11:24 AM
I am very new to writing poetry. It has honestly never been one of my greatest strengths; however, it is a passion. Please, take what I say with a grain of salt.
In L2, the use of both escalating and crescendo, while complementary to your imagery, distracts from the poem. Perhaps “on the upward crescendo” would be a bit better.
You use of abstract at times makes it hard to follow but I think I know where you were going with this. Where you need work is the transition between “we fell into tomorrow” and “corpses of black twisted metal” The first stanza really kept my interest but the transition and ideas of the second stanza really fell apart for me.
In L17, “of a leper leading us to an,” your use of leading I think should be changed. You using event horizon in the next line, which is acceptable with your previous idea, should be taken into account. I believe “pulling” or some variation of this should be used there. The event horizon is pulling towards rebirth through the fires of destruction.
In L2, the use of both escalating and crescendo, while complementary to your imagery, distracts from the poem. Perhaps “on the upward crescendo” would be a bit better.
You use of abstract at times makes it hard to follow but I think I know where you were going with this. Where you need work is the transition between “we fell into tomorrow” and “corpses of black twisted metal” The first stanza really kept my interest but the transition and ideas of the second stanza really fell apart for me.
In L17, “of a leper leading us to an,” your use of leading I think should be changed. You using event horizon in the next line, which is acceptable with your previous idea, should be taken into account. I believe “pulling” or some variation of this should be used there. The event horizon is pulling towards rebirth through the fires of destruction.