Don't call my number (Revision 2)

[Todd]

Hi Luna,

Some comments on the revision. I think this is a bit of a step backward though you have made progress in some areas, and I think have helped clarify some issues for me.

So rather than march through the poem, let me make some more global statements.

I would be tempted to lead with your strongest strophe, which I think is S2. Maybe invert S1 and S2 leading with the best image.

I think S1 is cleaner now. 

S2: "like a disease that comes/with a guarantee for tomorrow" This seems a little too direct in the telling of it. You might consider taking it one level up and being more subtle

S3. I have one edit suggestion for you: "Leaving the promise of death to wait"

Just some thoughts.

Best,

Todd

Revision 1.


In the absence of tears
tremors and anxiety
consume the day

the wisteria falls to the ground
heavy from rain
like a disease that comes
with a guarantee for tomorrow

Leaving death to wait


The Original

Don't call my number
___________________

In the absence of tears
Tremors and anxiety consume
Gray day shades of green
 
Wisteria falls to the ground
Heavy in rain
And voices sounding from the television
Wreck silence
 
Graves’ disease prevails
With the guarantee of tomorrow
Leaving death to wait
For the end of a life sentence