Silence Speaks within me

[LunaDeLore]

2nd Version:

Silence Speaks within me

Even accompanied by you

I long for the moments of union,  -----------Longing is somewhat common or well used
My solitude was my friend in the past, --------I understand owning solitude but "My" could possibly be omitted.
Even now,
The cloak of night is the keeper of my secrets. -----cloak of night is cliche but cliche can work


O my Companion of life ------ does Companion require capitalization, really?
How do I say to you
The familiar moments of union
Are no different than 
The parting moments of sorrow;
The helplessness, 
You not being with me is what I breathe.
For how long would I manage 
To hold this continuum of infinite isolation?

The ambience feels alien,
I talk to myself in your tone 
But the emptiness still remains with me,
Silence Speaks within me.   ------------------- I like this line but again I wonder if Silence Speaks needs to be capitalized.

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Original Version:

Silence Speaks within me

Even accompanied by you

I long for the moments of union,
My solitude was my friend in the past,
Even now,
The cloak of night is my secrets-keeper.


O my Companion of life
How do I say to you
Even accompanied by you
The familiar moments of union
Are no different than
The parting moments of sorrow;
The helplessness,
You not being with me is what I breathe.
For how long would I manage
To hold this continuum of infinite isolation?


Even accompanied by you
The ambience feels alien,
I talk to myself in your tone
But the emptiness still remains with me,
Silence Speaks within me.

Shaan,

Sometimes is seems like there's no end to revisiting and revising our work. We find what's okay with us isn't always okay with people who read our stuff. This poem flows well and it reads nicely; that is a kind of treat. But, is it cliche? Union, marriage, consummation these all have a place in the universal themes. Love is a powerful thing and sometimes when it stands alone, it seems too bare. Why is this person not with you, did he or she die or did cultural difference come into play? These are things you could consider when (or if) you revisit this poem again.

I hope I've helped,

Luna