Silence Speaks within me

[shaan]

Stating the obvious: it's too mawkish. English is not the best language for the direct expression of sentiment, particularly in poetry.
Also, too many cringeworthy cliches such as "moments of Union" and "cloak of night".
Finally, "continuum of infinite silence" is the killer blow.
Suggest rewrite using zero metaphors and maybe a simile or two.

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I meant "infinite isolation". Can't edit on my Android.

Achebe,

I really appreciate your feedback.
I will try to rewrite it.
thanks

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Silence Speaks within me

Even accompanied by you

I long for the moments of union,
My solitude was my friend in the past,
Even now,
The cloak of night is my secrets-keeper.


O my Companion of life
How do I say to you
Even accompanied by you
The familiar moments of union
Are no different than
The parting moments of sorrow;
The helplessness,
You not being with me is what I breathe.
For how long would I manage
To hold this continuum of infinite isolation?


Even accompanied by you
The ambience feels alien,
I talk to myself in your tone
But the emptiness still remains with me,
Silence Speaks within me.

You have written a lot here, however it is some what hard to read. 

At L-5 you wrote: The cloak of night is my secrets-keeper. It is hard to read a plural word followed by a singular word. Wondering if you would be open to writing it as: The cloak of night is the keeper of my secrets.

At L-8 you repeat the line: Even accompanied by you, I think it is not needed there.

What about this?

How do I say to you
Even accompanied by you
The familiar moments of union
Are no different than 
The parting moments of sorrow;

Same thing L-16 you can drop the line- Even accompanied by you

I think the thoughts you want to convey are comming through you just need to tighten it up. 

Dear Homer,

Thanks much for the constructive feedback.
I really appreciate your suggestions and the updated version is below:

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Silence Speaks within me

Even accompanied by you

I long for the moments of union,
My solitude was my friend in the past,
Even now,
The cloak of night is the keeper of my secrets.

O my Companion of life
How do I say to you
The familiar moments of union
Are no different than
The parting moments of sorrow;
The helplessness,
You not being with me is what I breathe.
For how long would I manage
To hold this continuum of infinite isolation?

The ambience feels alien,
I talk to myself in your tone
But the emptiness still remains with me,
Silence Speaks within me.

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I would welcome any other suggestions.

Thanks a lot!

---S