04-15-2016, 12:40 PM
(04-15-2016, 10:40 AM)shaan Wrote: Silence Speaks within meYou have written a lot here, however it is some what hard to read.
Even accompanied by you
I long for the moments of union,
My solitude was my friend in the past,
Even now,
The cloak of night is my secrets-keeper.
O my Companion of life
How do I say to you
Even accompanied by you
The familiar moments of union
Are no different than
The parting moments of sorrow;
The helplessness,
You not being with me is what I breathe.
For how long would I manage
To hold this continuum of infinite isolation?
Even accompanied by you
The ambience feels alien,
I talk to myself in your tone
But the emptiness still remains with me,
Silence Speaks within me.
At L-5 you wrote: The cloak of night is my secrets-keeper. It is hard to read a plural word followed by a singular word. Wondering if you would be open to writing it as: The cloak of night is the keeper of my secrets.
At L-8 you repeat the line: Even accompanied by you, I think it is not needed there.
What about this?
How do I say to you
Even accompanied by you
The familiar moments of union
Are no different than
The parting moments of sorrow;
Same thing L-16 you can drop the line- Even accompanied by you
I think the thoughts you want to convey are comming through you just need to tighten it up.

