Sonnet #3: Lives lived in vain

[taratica]

Thank you, Bedeep!

I will take another crack at this. This is some very constructive advice.

Hi taratica. I wonder why you chose the sonnet form for this? (Just curious, really.)

As for critique, well, there are a lot of abstract words throughout that weaken the impact. You make it clear you want this to be strong message but by relying on words like "indiscriminate" and "dogma", etc., you turn it into a letter to the editor type of message and fail to convey a felt experience to the reader.

To start I would suggest you remove all abstract generalizations and see if you can say what you mean using specific, bodily, sensory terms. After all, violence is very personal to the recipient and there is nothing abstract about the pain involved. Invoke the senses.

Good luck and I hope that is helpful.

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Thank you, Todd!

I will most definitely take your advice into account on the rework.

Hi taratica,

I think you've gotten some great advice already. So this might be redundant but I think you've got your mind wrapped around the argumentation, and there are moments where you get lost in hyperbole "vile villains", "scores of innocents", "viscous ideologies of strife". All of this may be true, but the execution through argumentation makes it appear overdone and false. Like most writing, narrow the lens to one specific story, one atrocity. Let us see and experience that story and have it represent the greater issue.

I hope that helps some. Glad to have you on the site!

Todd

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Sorry, Bedeep,

I forgot to address your question on my choice of a sonnet. There are several reasons:

1) The strict structure of the sonnet makes it easier for me to work. Since I'm so new at this, I appreciate having guidelines to go off of.
2) At the same time, it is a rather difficult structure to master = the challenge is appealing

Quite simply put, it makes you say what you need to say without unnecessary words.

So, now that I've got some good advice to work with, such as limiting the abstract words and have been advised to re-think the argumentation, I have even more 'guidelines' to go off of.

Your advice is very much appreciated.

Hi taratica. I wonder why you chose the sonnet form for this? (Just curious, really.)

As for critique, well, there are a lot of abstract words throughout that weaken the impact. You make it clear you want this to be strong message but by relying on words like "indiscriminate" and "dogma", etc., you turn it into a letter to the editor type of message and fail to convey a felt experience to the reader.

To start I would suggest you remove all abstract generalizations and see if you can say what you mean using specific, bodily, sensory terms. After all, violence is very personal to the recipient and there is nothing abstract about the pain involved. Invoke the senses.

Good luck and I hope that is helpful.