04-13-2016, 02:12 AM
Hi taratica. I wonder why you chose the sonnet form for this? (Just curious, really.)
As for critique, well, there are a lot of abstract words throughout that weaken the impact. You make it clear you want this to be strong message but by relying on words like "indiscriminate" and "dogma", etc., you turn it into a letter to the editor type of message and fail to convey a felt experience to the reader.
To start I would suggest you remove all abstract generalizations and see if you can say what you mean using specific, bodily, sensory terms. After all, violence is very personal to the recipient and there is nothing abstract about the pain involved. Invoke the senses.
Good luck and I hope that is helpful.
As for critique, well, there are a lot of abstract words throughout that weaken the impact. You make it clear you want this to be strong message but by relying on words like "indiscriminate" and "dogma", etc., you turn it into a letter to the editor type of message and fail to convey a felt experience to the reader.
To start I would suggest you remove all abstract generalizations and see if you can say what you mean using specific, bodily, sensory terms. After all, violence is very personal to the recipient and there is nothing abstract about the pain involved. Invoke the senses.
Good luck and I hope that is helpful.