Little Brown Women

[tectak]

Little Brown Women 
 
Little brown women, little brown women, Cute. The repeat, one would expect, sets the rhythm.
I love little brown women;...and I CAN make this line follow through. It gallops but doesn't unseat this jockey...
the way they cover their mouth Damn. Thrown...and not to mention their plural, singular mouth. No. Not good enough, dale; and you know it. I hope you intend workshopping this.
when they laugh in the morning
as though laughing were a sin. ...as though laughing was a sin. Use the pronoun substitution to check it out "...it (laughing) were a sin" is incorrect. "it (laughing) was a sin" is correct. There is some muted debate on this as the boolean gets in the way again. You use "as though..." but the use of "was" can follow an "if", which is almost the same, but not quite. As in "If I was a carpenter...". Harrrrumppphh.
Everyone should sin so.
 
I love little brown women
in the market at noon
hips swaying to the rhythm Your hips, their hair? Not convinced of the "rhythm of the breeze in their hair" imagery, either. Only happens at noon? Messy
of the breeze in their hair
courting the lusty sun. What is courting the sun? You do not say.
Everyone should sway so.
 
I love little brown women,
sitting in the shade, in the evening,
with their small hungry babes
who fiercely suck and paw their breast. Oh, come on. This plurality challenged stanza is worserer than the firsterer.It needs looking at. No vernacular excuses. It is just plain wrong
Everyone should sit so.
 
I love little brown women,
at night, when the sky is dark
and the torch lights come out;
eyes shining from reflected light.
Everyone should shine so.
 
 
erthona
 
 
©1998 revised 2016

Hmmm. It is cute  and telling and disarmingly honest and  none the worse for that BUT the message is cryptic; if there is a message. And if there is a message then it should be clearer and if it were to be made clearer then the grammar needs tightening up. Or perhaps there is no message; in which case one can reasonably assume that this is about a pecadillo of the narrator. Either way, it is cute and telling...yada...yada. Poetically it is not your finest hour but my crit is shite, too
Best,
tectak