04-11-2016, 06:39 AM
Jeh,
The use of grammar, capitalization, and correct use of punctuation would benefit this poem.
The first sentence is a run on sentence. There is no need for the comma in L7. Also in L7 "in" should be "into".
As the "we" is undefined, the response is who cares. There is nothing for the reader to care about. This is totally abstract and in the end it doesn't really say anything. Who are "we"? The "we" needs to be defined before the poem has any meaning, if it can have meaning. What what is here, it seem it would need expanding to create anything with much meaning. At the moment it is just a bunch of not very good description thrown together. Words are used, or seem to be used without much thought to meaning.
" calls out for reclamation." is not a sentence.
" we are riding on the back of a leper"
leper: a person who has leprosy. (http://www.dictionary.com/browse/leper?s=t)
Welcome to the site,
Best,
dale
The use of grammar, capitalization, and correct use of punctuation would benefit this poem.
The first sentence is a run on sentence. There is no need for the comma in L7. Also in L7 "in" should be "into".
As the "we" is undefined, the response is who cares. There is nothing for the reader to care about. This is totally abstract and in the end it doesn't really say anything. Who are "we"? The "we" needs to be defined before the poem has any meaning, if it can have meaning. What what is here, it seem it would need expanding to create anything with much meaning. At the moment it is just a bunch of not very good description thrown together. Words are used, or seem to be used without much thought to meaning.
" calls out for reclamation." is not a sentence.
" we are riding on the back of a leper"
leper: a person who has leprosy. (http://www.dictionary.com/browse/leper?s=t)
Welcome to the site,
Best,
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.