Cleaning Out My Desk (V3 - Title Change)

[dukealien]

Thanks to both critics, so far - very valuable insights on a type of poetry which seems to be unusual on this forum.

I'll try and provide some feedback on the poem itself sometime later, but for starters bluring the distinction between legal and illegal immigrants dilutes the cedibikity of the poem's thesis

Excellent criticism:  a subsidiary point I was trying to make is that  both of two particular types of immigrant (illegal and semi-legal [H1Bs aren't legally authorized if Americans can do the work, but this is very often, corruptly, ignored by those issuing and requesting those visas]) are preferred for the same reason (my main point) though for different jobs.  Your critique indicates that I've failed to get this across.  But how to explain that - or, better, *show* it - in a work that's already very wordy?  Are the only effective poems on this kind of subject short-form (i.e. bumper stickers)?  I'll keep trying.

This reads more like a diatribe than a poem. In fact, it reads only like a diatribe and not like a poem at all, so, while I am hesitant to get in to the "this is a poem/this isn't a poem debate" I am dependent on the author to distinguish the difference between the two. As for improvement? Well, instead of telling your readers the what's and whys, you could write a poem that demonstrates them and let your readers form their own conclusions.

Good luck.
Thanks for posting.

"[I]t reads ... like a diatribe" is a powerful clue to what I'm doing wrong here.  Looking up "diatribe" turns up many references to length and hostility, but Urban Dictionary may have it best:

A neverending flow of words, phrases, sentences, and opinions from a speaker whose agenda was crystal clear in the first ten seconds of speech.

That is, I began with the frank admission that I'm trying to explain something, which instantly puts a modern reader on alert that he will have to make an immediate decision of political correctness or incorrectness ("in the first ten seconds") and either cheer or tune out.  This might, at one time, have been considered honest, but in today's environment it's a recipe for failure.  We're all spring-loaded to reject anything we don't want to hear.  Perhaps the poem could sidle up to the topic via history:

The Inquisition's in my shop again.
They don't mind Moors or Hebrews working here
but let me hire one Christian, who informs
the Holy Office that I've impure thoughts in mind... etc.

More hints, please!  Perhaps politico-economic poetry is still possible in this best of all possible worlds.  Edits to follow; here's a thought:  can the whole idea be expressed with the first and last verses?

You ask, young students, old economists,
“Why won’t you bosses hire Americans?”
To see, just put yourselves here in my place
instead of trying to put me in mine:
In my place you would hire a criminal
whose faults you knew, before a native son
whose tender feelings, hurt, could make you one.