04-07-2016, 07:47 AM
hey man, cool poem.
To me, I couldn't help but feel this very pretentious tone from the whole thing. And it also had this weird hodge podge of a pseudo-scholarly voice, complete with actual overt references to Greek gods, and then the voice of an alt rock song.
Specifically this passage:
And here you say
you were waiting in the park for me
last Friday -- and here you play
with thoughts and shows: yes, you say,
the car came by the house
last Friday -- and even when I didn't answer
the door, still, you kept my seat,
bought me beer and meat
last Friday -- knew I wasn't dead,
you say: the dead, at least,
respond to invitations with a sigh.
___
Feels very teen angsty, boy bandish? Which isn't a bad thing, if it wasn't strewn between super lofty voices, like:
Before my dream of you, I remember
poetry in motion: the father's dance, the mother's pain,
the children's flight, the stars' embrace,
and then the light, the light, the brightening dying
light -- and then I offer my hands,
twice-washed, to the ever-watchful god,
the silent god, who in turn
offers his readings
and his good conversation.
I wonder -- the sun stings my eyes.
All in all I can't help but feel a tremendous unease and tension when reading this. It feels forced, it feels contrived, and it feels like it has a central idea that is just BEGGING to be free (free, was in it wants to stop being held back by over-written, saccharine, and contrived allusions/devices) and over-written.
This is just a thought, from me, one person. I don't mean to be rude - you are clearly talented and this poem has a lot of potential.
Maybe I'm not supposed to offer this kind of advice? I'm not sure - but mainly I'm doing it because I trust you to nail the technical things that could be done better - so I thought I'd offer a different type of advice or a different kind of perspective.
Thanks for sharing your poem
To me, I couldn't help but feel this very pretentious tone from the whole thing. And it also had this weird hodge podge of a pseudo-scholarly voice, complete with actual overt references to Greek gods, and then the voice of an alt rock song.
Specifically this passage:
And here you say
you were waiting in the park for me
last Friday -- and here you play
with thoughts and shows: yes, you say,
the car came by the house
last Friday -- and even when I didn't answer
the door, still, you kept my seat,
bought me beer and meat
last Friday -- knew I wasn't dead,
you say: the dead, at least,
respond to invitations with a sigh.
___
Feels very teen angsty, boy bandish? Which isn't a bad thing, if it wasn't strewn between super lofty voices, like:
Before my dream of you, I remember
poetry in motion: the father's dance, the mother's pain,
the children's flight, the stars' embrace,
and then the light, the light, the brightening dying
light -- and then I offer my hands,
twice-washed, to the ever-watchful god,
the silent god, who in turn
offers his readings
and his good conversation.
I wonder -- the sun stings my eyes.
All in all I can't help but feel a tremendous unease and tension when reading this. It feels forced, it feels contrived, and it feels like it has a central idea that is just BEGGING to be free (free, was in it wants to stop being held back by over-written, saccharine, and contrived allusions/devices) and over-written.
This is just a thought, from me, one person. I don't mean to be rude - you are clearly talented and this poem has a lot of potential.
Maybe I'm not supposed to offer this kind of advice? I'm not sure - but mainly I'm doing it because I trust you to nail the technical things that could be done better - so I thought I'd offer a different type of advice or a different kind of perspective.
Thanks for sharing your poem