04-02-2016, 05:36 AM
[quote='1skylande1' pid='205404' dateline='1456138998']
First edit:
I don’t know how to tell you this.
You, the embodiment of cuteness,
With a smile, you can slay the darkness,
Warm the winters, melt the poles.
I don’t know how to tell you this.
I have loved you since we met.
It is wrong, they opposed.
She has a boyfriend, they said.
I don’t know how to tell you this.
I envy the guy you love.
I wish to be him for just one day,
To hold you tightly, to be loved by you.
I hate him truly, and earnestly .
Why did you choose him, and not me
To hold your lovely hands,
And to be a part of you.
There are times when I wish him dead,
To replace him, and to be with you.
Yet, I shudder at the thought,
As I imagine the pain that brings you.
There are times when I try so much
To be noticed, to be loved by you.
Do you know why we ran together,
Despite my hatred of exercise?
I realize after long line of thought. "a long line"
How impossible, infeasible our love is.
Like two poles of magnets, we attracted.
Like oil and water, we can’t mix.
But, I know how to tell you this.
Even if my love will be buried
In a place where noone can reach, "no one" instead of "noone"
I truly wish the world for you.
Your rhyme scheme here is irregular; I think you might be better off either keeping it constant or abandoning it, because your first few rhymes were a bit forced and awkward. This piece sounded to me like it would fit better as prose. I did like your metaphors in the first and seventh stanzas. I didn't have any trouble understanding your point in this poem.
First edit:
I don’t know how to tell you this.
You, the embodiment of cuteness,
With a smile, you can slay the darkness,
Warm the winters, melt the poles.
I don’t know how to tell you this.
I have loved you since we met.
It is wrong, they opposed.
She has a boyfriend, they said.
I don’t know how to tell you this.
I envy the guy you love.
I wish to be him for just one day,
To hold you tightly, to be loved by you.
I hate him truly, and earnestly .
Why did you choose him, and not me
To hold your lovely hands,
And to be a part of you.
There are times when I wish him dead,
To replace him, and to be with you.
Yet, I shudder at the thought,
As I imagine the pain that brings you.
There are times when I try so much
To be noticed, to be loved by you.
Do you know why we ran together,
Despite my hatred of exercise?
I realize after long line of thought. "a long line"
How impossible, infeasible our love is.
Like two poles of magnets, we attracted.
Like oil and water, we can’t mix.
But, I know how to tell you this.
Even if my love will be buried
In a place where noone can reach, "no one" instead of "noone"
I truly wish the world for you.
Your rhyme scheme here is irregular; I think you might be better off either keeping it constant or abandoning it, because your first few rhymes were a bit forced and awkward. This piece sounded to me like it would fit better as prose. I did like your metaphors in the first and seventh stanzas. I didn't have any trouble understanding your point in this poem.