04-01-2016, 10:12 PM
I don’t know how to tell you this.
You, the embodiment of cuteness,
With a smile, you can slay the darkness,
Warm the winters, melt the poles.
I don’t know how to tell you this.
I have loved you since we met.
It is wrong, they opposed.
She has a boyfriend, they said.
I don’t know how to tell you this.
I envy the guy you love.
I wish to be him for just one day,
To hold you tightly, to be loved by you.
I hate him truly, and earnestly .
Why did you choose him, and not me
To hold your lovely hands,
And to be a part of you.
There are times when I wish him dead,
To replace him, and to be with you.
Yet, I shudder at the thought,
As I imagine the pain that brings you.
There are times when I try so much
To be noticed, to be loved by you.
Do you know why we ran together,
Despite my hatred of exercise?
I realize after long line of thought.
How impossible, infeasible our love is.
Like two poles of magnets, we attracted.
Like oil and water, we can’t mix.
But, I know how to tell you this.
Even if my love will be buried
In a place where noone can reach,
I truly wish the world for you.
-------
I like the title. I can relate to it and it immediately establishes expectations. I want to know what you don't know.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but it appears your narrator 'doesn't know' how to express his affections in person. The tension of the poem thus revolves around the discord and consequential emotions that are subsequent to an inadequate outlet for affection. It appears your narrator has come to know that he hates the object of his subject's affection, but understands that to act upon it is inappropriate. The tension is resolved with resignation.
My thoughts are..I have no idea, beyond cuteness and a great smile, why your narrator is so affected. I need more to believe the tension is real. I'd like to see an exploration of 'I don't know' how cuteness and a great smile translates into something more, with the lens focused on her, perhaps.
You, the embodiment of cuteness,
With a smile, you can slay the darkness,
Warm the winters, melt the poles.
I don’t know how to tell you this.
I have loved you since we met.
It is wrong, they opposed.
She has a boyfriend, they said.
I don’t know how to tell you this.
I envy the guy you love.
I wish to be him for just one day,
To hold you tightly, to be loved by you.
I hate him truly, and earnestly .
Why did you choose him, and not me
To hold your lovely hands,
And to be a part of you.
There are times when I wish him dead,
To replace him, and to be with you.
Yet, I shudder at the thought,
As I imagine the pain that brings you.
There are times when I try so much
To be noticed, to be loved by you.
Do you know why we ran together,
Despite my hatred of exercise?
I realize after long line of thought.
How impossible, infeasible our love is.
Like two poles of magnets, we attracted.
Like oil and water, we can’t mix.
But, I know how to tell you this.
Even if my love will be buried
In a place where noone can reach,
I truly wish the world for you.
-------
I like the title. I can relate to it and it immediately establishes expectations. I want to know what you don't know.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but it appears your narrator 'doesn't know' how to express his affections in person. The tension of the poem thus revolves around the discord and consequential emotions that are subsequent to an inadequate outlet for affection. It appears your narrator has come to know that he hates the object of his subject's affection, but understands that to act upon it is inappropriate. The tension is resolved with resignation.
My thoughts are..I have no idea, beyond cuteness and a great smile, why your narrator is so affected. I need more to believe the tension is real. I'd like to see an exploration of 'I don't know' how cuteness and a great smile translates into something more, with the lens focused on her, perhaps.