04-01-2016, 08:07 AM
First let me say that I'm not meaning anything here as an argument. I don't really know that much about poetry beyond what I gather on my own accord, most of which is from poetry thats centuries old, or songwriters. I just want to explain my thinking and hopefully you can respond because I'm totally all ears. That being said, I don't mean to use any specific poetic meter, its basically just a 5/6 - 6/7 - 9/10 syllables rhythm. I know that isn't any acceptable poetic anything, but really this is a fable; it's meant to be heard rather than read. More or less it is still a song/hymn. I don't really know if that makes a difference. I know it doesn't really count as freeverse, but it also isn't proper iambic or anything throughout.
It might be worth breaking up how it's written like this:
That moment reigned still
On it's kingdom until,
Those thrice babes of a fox turned and fled.
Not for fear of the hunt,
when returned was the runt,
bearing summons to go where they led.
Let me know if that would be better. As for the language used, I don't mean to use 'whence' to mean anything like 'where from' or 'where' at all, its actually just supposed to be a synonym of 'when' and 'thence' is 'then'. Originally I had them spelled 'whens' and 'thens' to avoid this exact confusion, but was advised to change it because of how it was being pronounced. Basically it's just how the characters in the larger narrative talk. I quite like it but I'm considering totally getting rid of it as no changes seem to work and this keeps happening.
I *think* I used unto properly. I didn't mean a literal flame and ember, it was actually a metaphor for the cog's purpose and place. They had been gathered together and moved to be used again with a new purpose. I'm sure throughout it I did use an unto improperly, I've just read through this some many times that I'm having trouble picking up on that stuff, which is why I'm turning to the internet (my friends aren't big readers).
I'm not entirely sure what you mean by time travel, but if you mean travelling through time I would like to clear that up because there isn't supposed to be any of that going on.
The 'she' in 'she sang with the spade' is the wagon. Its basically just saying that the squeaky wagon and the shovel laying in it were making a lot of noise as they were being pulled. The mother actually comes in with the 'spaed' part. Spaed as in the old english of spayed. It's a character revealed later, which is his reason for digging up the gears in the first place. it's a woman that is essentially dead, and in turn barren, hence 'spayed'. The confusion with the shovel is intentional.
I'm not sure what you got from the first stanza, but all that I mean to say is that a young boy dragged his wagon and shovel through the woods and dug up some old gears that were buried there.
The main problems that I've run into is that people find the styling too old fashioned, but not classical enough to warrant it, and it clashes with the child narrator. I got entirely kicked out of another website like this one because of it actually. Maybe I'm in the wrong place again, I'm not sure.
Hopefully this cleared something/anything up, I really do want to improve this. I hope I haven't convinced you otherwise.
It might be worth breaking up how it's written like this:
That moment reigned still
On it's kingdom until,
Those thrice babes of a fox turned and fled.
Not for fear of the hunt,
when returned was the runt,
bearing summons to go where they led.
Let me know if that would be better. As for the language used, I don't mean to use 'whence' to mean anything like 'where from' or 'where' at all, its actually just supposed to be a synonym of 'when' and 'thence' is 'then'. Originally I had them spelled 'whens' and 'thens' to avoid this exact confusion, but was advised to change it because of how it was being pronounced. Basically it's just how the characters in the larger narrative talk. I quite like it but I'm considering totally getting rid of it as no changes seem to work and this keeps happening.
I *think* I used unto properly. I didn't mean a literal flame and ember, it was actually a metaphor for the cog's purpose and place. They had been gathered together and moved to be used again with a new purpose. I'm sure throughout it I did use an unto improperly, I've just read through this some many times that I'm having trouble picking up on that stuff, which is why I'm turning to the internet (my friends aren't big readers).
I'm not entirely sure what you mean by time travel, but if you mean travelling through time I would like to clear that up because there isn't supposed to be any of that going on.
The 'she' in 'she sang with the spade' is the wagon. Its basically just saying that the squeaky wagon and the shovel laying in it were making a lot of noise as they were being pulled. The mother actually comes in with the 'spaed' part. Spaed as in the old english of spayed. It's a character revealed later, which is his reason for digging up the gears in the first place. it's a woman that is essentially dead, and in turn barren, hence 'spayed'. The confusion with the shovel is intentional.
I'm not sure what you got from the first stanza, but all that I mean to say is that a young boy dragged his wagon and shovel through the woods and dug up some old gears that were buried there.
The main problems that I've run into is that people find the styling too old fashioned, but not classical enough to warrant it, and it clashes with the child narrator. I got entirely kicked out of another website like this one because of it actually. Maybe I'm in the wrong place again, I'm not sure.
Hopefully this cleared something/anything up, I really do want to improve this. I hope I haven't convinced you otherwise.
Thy Daughter & Thy Darling, Without End.