Embers 2.0

[whatisay-whatifeel]

OK, so this is such a departure from the original that I hesitate to label it as the same poem. It came from the same place though, so here it goes:


These corridors carry their own kind of silence;-Great opening line. This really captures the reader's attention, making them want more.
an old silence;-Interesting word choice here... Could it be stronger?
which pushes and receeds and in its wake
men break to shards and fall into the fluidity of their cognition;-Wow. Very strong line.
and ward-weathered doctors try to put the pieces back together- Great imagery!
into some semblance of nature;

here muted-stubborn echoes
breathe fantasy in the ears of any so lost as to listen,
and sing men to sleep in their chemical womb;

in these hallways the lights turn out one at a time.-This is my favorite line, and maybe one of the most powerful ones in the poem.



The original:

3:00 AM
too tired to know what raised me
these hallways carry a different kind of silence
an old silence
a last vestige of those who have gone before
in the corridors of the mad

she was lost in a skewed space
he would follow, but for now
she was half dream, half ethereal
far too distant for me
to see past distant eyes,

then another, my feet were cold, his eyes
were embers
an evil as ancient
as the spawning of Gods,
and I sleep

I love this poem. The only thing I might change would be your word choice of "old silence." I feel like the rest of your poem is so strong, that you could possibly put a impactful word in place of "old." I loved to see the transformation of your first poem into this one, but would also encourage you to continue working on the original. It's great that another idea stemmed from your original work but that doesn't necessarily mean that the original is dead. 
Great job and amazing imagery. You have a real talent.