Sleep

[Lip Kingdavid]

I like the ideas you're going for, but I think you have a lot of room to express them better. The language is a little bit mundane, and some of the rhymes seemed like a bit of a 'grasping-at-straws' type rather than something realized. "The sun reached the zenith and things seemed to clear." is a great line, and shows me that you're more than capable of something far more interesting and evocative. Go through the work again with that as a benchmark and you'll have a far better poem on your hands.